Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s Super Wild Card Weekend.
Seahawks at 49ers
49ers: Some NFL experts are questioning whether San Francisco has what it takes to beat Seattle a third time this season.
Player To Watch Seahawks
DK Metcalf: The Seahawks wide receiver will do well as long as he avoids any one-on-one conversations with a wild-eyed Pete Carroll.
Player To Watch 49ers
Christian McCaffrey: San Francisco’s star running back has shown the kind of agility that most city residents only display when they see a homeless person.
Chargers at Jaguars
Jaguars: A resurgent Jacksonville has all the pieces in place to be devoured by Kansas City in the divisional round.
Player To Watch Chargers
Trey Pipkins III: The San Diego offensive tackle has enjoyed a resurgent career after years of deliberately allowing people to sack Philip Rivers.
Player To Watch Jaguars
Trevor Lawrence: The former Clemson quarterback has fabulous hair with tremendous length, excellent volume, rare softness, and quality shine.
Dolphins at Bills
Bills: Miami’s quarterback troubles will continue to afflict them during the 15 minutes that Buffalo’s offense isn’t on the field.
Player To Watch Dolphins
Alec Ingold: Prove you’re not a casual by appreciating the fullback’s ability to clear out defenders and help in pass protection.
Player To Watch Bills
Josh Allen: Could struggle to stay under 400 passing yards.
Giants at Vikings
Giants: New York can win this game if they’re able to successfully contain Justin Jefferson or successfully cut his brake cables on Sunday morning.
Player to Watch Giants
Jihad Ward: Keep an eye on the outside linebacker. Something about him just seems a little off.
Player To Watch Vikings
Kirk Cousins: Expect the Vikings quarterback to be very poised in the pocket while taking sacks.
Ravens at Bengals
Bengals: Joe Burrow throws a late-game interception that the Ravens immediately fumble, which the Bengals recover, but then he throws another interception on the very next play, and then the Ravens fumble again, and the Bengals recover again, and Burrow throws a third straight interception, which the Ravens recover and immediately fumble, and on and on and on until time runs out.
Player To Watch Ravens
J.K. Dobbins: The former Ohio State running back is dismayed to have to keep returning to this shitty state.
Player To Watch Bengals
Joe Burrow: Expect the Bengals quarterback to rely on his vast experience of standing near people while lining up behind the center.
Cowboys at Buccaneers
Buccaneers: Tom Brady is set to make another strong postseason run thanks to a cruel and malicious God.
Player To Watch Buccaneers
Tom Brady: When things go bad, the G.O.A.T. will prove that he can still throw a fit from a variety of platforms.
Player To Watch Cowboys
Micah Parsons: The Cowboys linebacker will rely on his excellent diagnosis skills to determine that Tom Brady is too fucking old to escape his blitz.