Onion Sports’ NFL Wild Card Weekend Picks

49ers: Some NFL experts are questioning whether San Francisco has what it takes to beat Seattle a third time this season.

DK Metcalf: The Seahawks wide receiver will do well as long as he avoids any one-on-one conversations with a wild-eyed Pete Carroll.

Christian McCaffrey: San Francisco’s star running back has shown the kind of agility that most city residents only display when they see a homeless person.

Jaguars: A resurgent Jacksonville has all the pieces in place to be devoured by Kansas City in the divisional round.

Trey Pipkins III: The San Diego offensive tackle has enjoyed a resurgent career after years of deliberately allowing people to sack Philip Rivers.

Trevor Lawrence: The former Clemson quarterback has fabulous hair with tremendous length, excellent volume, rare softness, and quality shine.

Bills: Miami’s quarterback troubles will continue to afflict them during the 15 minutes that Buffalo’s offense isn’t on the field.

Alec Ingold: Prove you’re not a casual by appreciating the fullback’s ability to clear out defenders and help in pass protection.

Josh Allen: Could struggle to stay under 400 passing yards.

Giants: New York can win this game if they’re able to successfully contain Justin Jefferson or successfully cut his brake cables on Sunday morning.

Jihad Ward: Keep an eye on the outside linebacker. Something about him just seems a little off.

Kirk Cousins: Expect the Vikings quarterback to be very poised in the pocket while taking sacks.

Bengals: Joe Burrow throws a late-game interception that the Ravens immediately fumble, which the Bengals recover, but then he throws another interception on the very next play, and then the Ravens fumble again, and the Bengals recover again, and Burrow throws a third straight interception, which the Ravens recover and immediately fumble, and on and on and on until time runs out.

J.K. Dobbins: The former Ohio State running back is dismayed to have to keep returning to this shitty state.

Joe Burrow: Expect the Bengals quarterback to rely on his vast experience of standing near people while lining up behind the center.

Buccaneers: Tom Brady is set to make another strong postseason run thanks to a cruel and malicious God.

Tom Brady: When things go bad, the G.O.A.T. will prove that he can still throw a fit from a variety of platforms.

Micah Parsons: The Cowboys linebacker will rely on his excellent diagnosis skills to determine that Tom Brady is too fucking old to escape his blitz.