You and I have been together for some time now and for this I am grateful. Your face, your body, and your professionally styled hair have brought joy to my life once again. You make me smile, girl.
Take my hand as we take things to the next level. Now we begin Operation: All Night Long.
You may have many questions, and possibly concerns, about what this might mean. As I am not physically with you at this moment, please imagine Smoove putting a finger on your lips to stop your questions and calm your mind. This is done gently and with class.
Imagine, also, that I am wearing the immaculate white silk suit that was ruined by the dry cleaners last month. Damn, Smoove loved that suit.
We will bump on the ocean floor. We will grind as we backflip out of the water and into the air. All of the ocean creatures will look at us in awe and possibly begin their own mating rituals.
Allow me to break down how this evening will go.
You will awaken in the morning to a text message that will capture your heart and fire your imagination. Something like, “You are most fine,” or “I love the way your neck looks in the morning light.” I will then send you the most romantic series of emojis possible. These are: rose, rose, sparkle heart, sunset, rose, winky face. This will fill you with anticipation.
Later in the day, two dozen white roses will arrive at the apartment you share with your attractive, but not as fine as you, sister. These flowers will have a note that will be gently dabbed with my unique hand-crafted cologne. You will not be able to decide which is more arousing, the roses or my personal scent.
When the evening arrives, I will show up on a gleaming white motorcycle. We will take this sleek, Asian motorbike through the busy streets of the city we love so much. As we continue to drive, the landscape will become quieter and more scenic. Finally, just as the sun is going down, I will park the bike near an overlook. From this high vantage point we will be able to see the whole city. You will be amazed as, even though you have lived in this city your whole life, you’ve never seen it quite like this. You will reach for my hand and I will take it as we are both swept up in the majesty of our city at sunset.
Damn girl, I wish you were here right now. You know I would break you off nasty.
From here, we will walk in the moonlight before coming across a beautiful wooden structure. The structure will be filled with the finest candles from the finest candle-making regions of Europe. Even though I will not mention this, the candle selection process will have taken me many hours, because only the most arousing scents of vanilla and citrus blossom—the sexiest of all scents—are good enough for my one true girl.
I will then bring forth a picnic basket filled with exotic delicacies that have been handpicked by me to tantalize all your senses. I will pour you a glass of wine that will remind you of one of our previous dates. On this date we freaked wild near a river, and this glass of wine will arouse you on a deep level.
During this time I will compliment your dress, witty banter, and hair, which will be more professionally styled than usual.
Once we have finished eating, we will return to my penthouse apartment. There, I will draw you a warm bath and wash your entire body with luxurious soaps and hand towels that arrived from Egypt only that morning. Once you are clean, I will dry you off and moisturize you with the same lotions that the finest spas of Arizona use. I will then lead you to my soft leopard-skin rug and a roaring fire. We will sip more wine, only this time the wine will be sparkling.
If you are still hungry, I can offer you an assortment of cheeses. There will also be grapes.
It is at this time that Operation: All Night Long will begin. From the moment our lips touch, our passions will be ignited. We will be like two sexy dolphins swimming in the deepest part of the ocean, our muscular bodies intertwining as we move through the sea. We will bump on the ocean floor. We will grind as we backflip out of the water and into the air. All of the ocean creatures will look at us in awe and possibly begin their own mating rituals.
We will also jump through hoops together. These hoops will be on fire. You know this to be true.
Needless to say, the lovemaking will go all night long. But instead of feeling exhausted the next morning, we will feel like we have accomplished something very important. This night will start a new chapter in our lovemaking book.
I will, of course, make you breakfast. I will even make your favorite breakfast dish: huevos rancheros. This is a dish that is out of Smoove’s breakfast-making repertoire, but this morning is not about Smoove. It is about making his one true girl happy.
After breakfast, you will ride my pony one more time before going back home.
Once you have gone, Smoove will analyze Operation: All Night Long in order to make improvements for future evenings. That is the kind of love man Smoove is.
Smoove B resides in the city of Cincinnati, OH, in a 10th-floor penthouse. He is a regular guest contributor at the Cincinnati Learning Annex, where he teaches the popular six-week course, "The Fundamentals Of Relationship Communication." From 1998–2001, he wrote, produced, and starred in a semi-regular cable-access cooking show that focused on breakfast.