Opinion

Australia Drunkest Country In World

The world’s largest annual drug survey has ranked Australia as the drunkest country on the planet, with residents surveyed getting drunk an average of 27 times over the course of the year, almost double the global average of 15 times. What do you…

Cartoons

Friday Night Lites

American Voices

‘Home Alone’ House Available To Book On Airbnb

The Chicago-area mansion featured in the 1990 Christmas film Home Alone has been made available to book on Airbnb, with the one-night only stay featuring “booby traps” and the actor who played Buzz greeting guests. What do you think?

American Voices

CNN Fires Chris Cuomo

CNN has fired anchor Chris Cuomo after new evidence emerged about his use of media sources to defend his brother, former Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY), of sexual assault as well as a sexual misconduct allegation brought against the anchor. What do you…

Australia Drunkest Country In World

Friday Night Lites

‘Home Alone’ House Available To Book On Airbnb

CNN Fires Chris Cuomo

Questions I'm Always Asked As A 58-Year-Old Gen Z-er

This One’s Just Footage Of A Claw Machine. Is This What You Want?

The Onion Reviews 'Licorice Pizza'

Heartwarming Gravy Donation Drive

Australia Drunkest Country In World

CNN Fires Chris Cuomo

‘Home Alone’ House Available To Book On Airbnb

Germany Imposes Nationwide Lockdown For Unvaccinated People

Ask A Nobleman Attempting To Secure A Husband For His Least-Marriageable Daughter

Ask Cover Letters For An Entry-Level Social Media Position At ‘Field & Stream’ Magazine

Ask A Boyfriend Who Just Might Dig Himself Out Of Trouble If He Plays This Perfectly

Ask A Closeted Homosexual Riverboat Captain

Behind The Pen: Reading, Writing and Robbery

Behind The Pen: 'High' Ideals

Behind The Pen: Nanny State, Ninny State

Behind The Pen: Collective Wisdom

Friday Night Lites

Gotta Retch Em All

The Bitter Vend

Box Office Fop

I Am Still In The Car (By Prince Philip)

Welfare Check

‘The Onion’ Launches New Cover-Up Desk To Suppress Today’s Most Damning Stories

I Have To Admit, I Spoil Dax Shepard

On Peyton Manning Going To The Broncos

On Jennifer Capriati's 1994 Arrest For Marijuana Possession

On Ken Griffey, Jr. Retiring

On The Indy Crowd Booing Danica Patrick

How To Talk To A Family Member About Politics And Also The Fact That Their New Jewelry Business Is A Pyramid Scheme

How Much Credit Does The Sitting President Deserve For The Tides?

How Do Self-Driving Cars Avoid Driving Straight To The Beach?

Is It Ethical For Prenatal Testing To Tell You If Your Baby Will Be Too Annoying To Love?

How An Epidemic Spreads

How Hurricanes Form

How To Survive A Nuclear Attack

How The ‘Alt-Right’ Recruits New Members

Tips For Dating During Social Distancing

Tips For Enduring Long Airport Layovers

The Onion's Tips For Finding An Apartment

The Onion's Tips For Getting A Good Night's Sleep

The Seven Male Role Models Every Child Needs For A Healthy Upbringing

How To Successfully Sue Other Moms Who Steal Your Parenting Tricks

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

It’s A Mom’s Right To Decide Whether Her Kids Ride A Stranger’s Dog

Tips For Getting Unsafe Elderly Drivers Off The Road

Try This Military Workout To Get You Fit And Ready To Take A Bullet For Your Child

How To Get Your Picky Toddler To Finish All Of Their Foie Gras

Why Foie Gras Should Be A Staple Of Your Child’s Daily Diet

How To Purge All That Negative Energy Into Your Personal Assistant