Alexa Introduces Masculine-Sounding Voice Option

U.S. Life Expectancy Sees Biggest Drop Since WWII

Men’s Spending Habits Result In More Carbon Emissions Than Women’s

Testes Flights

Grass Backward

Farce of July

I Am Still In The Car (By Prince Philip)

Welfare Check

‘The Onion’ Launches New Cover-Up Desk To Suppress Today’s Most Damning Stories

Tips For Dating During Social Distancing

Tips For Enduring Long Airport Layovers

The Onion's Tips For Finding An Apartment

Tips For Getting Unsafe Elderly Drivers Off The Road

Try This Military Workout To Get You Fit And Ready To Take A Bullet For Your Child

How To Get Your Picky Toddler To Finish All Of Their Foie Gras

Why Foie Gras Should Be A Staple Of Your Child’s Daily Diet

How An Epidemic Spreads

How Hurricanes Form

How To Survive A Nuclear Attack

How To Talk To A Family Member About Politics And Also The Fact That Their New Jewelry Business Is A Pyramid Scheme

How Much Credit Does The Sitting President Deserve For The Tides?

How Do Self-Driving Cars Avoid Driving Straight To The Beach?

Ask A Nobleman Attempting To Secure A Husband For His Least-Marriageable Daughter

Ask Cover Letters For An Entry-Level Social Media Position At ‘Field & Stream’ Magazine

Ask A Boyfriend Who Just Might Dig Himself Out Of Trouble If He Plays This Perfectly

The Seven Male Role Models Every Child Needs For A Healthy Upbringing

How To Successfully Sue Other Moms Who Steal Your Parenting Tricks

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Behind The Pen: Reading, Writing and Robbery

Behind The Pen: 'High' Ideals

Behind The Pen: Nanny State, Ninny State

On Peyton Manning Going To The Broncos

On Jennifer Capriati's 1994 Arrest For Marijuana Possession

On Ken Griffey, Jr. Retiring