OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryBye!So you’ve probably heard about the new report saying human-caused climate change is putting about a million…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryThank God We Didn’t Have Written Language Back When I Was A TeenagerI tell ya, times sure have changed since I was a boy. Nowadays in our fast-paced Copper Age civilization, people are…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryI Will Personally Destroy The Chances Of Any 2020 Candidate Who Doesn’t Get Their Picture Taken Eating At Culver’sSince we opened our first location in Sauk City, WI in 1984, Culver’s has become a beloved institution across the…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryThe Onion’s Legal Analysts Have Completed Their Official Count Of How Many Pages Are In The Mueller ReportAfter tirelessly poring over the Special Counsel’s recently released findings, The Onion can confidently report that…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryI Guess I’m Only Tough On Stains Because My Dad Was So Tough On MeI know at times I can come off a bit caustic and abrasive. For years, I had no idea where these destructive feelings…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryIt’s Not An Easy Thing To Admit When You’re Wrong, And That’s Why I Won’t Do ItAll of us do or say the wrong thing from time to time. It’s my belief that what matters most is not the mistakes we…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryHo, Ho, Ho! Send Me $100 Billion By Christmas Or I Will Detonate A Dirty Bomb In 5 Major Cities!Season’s greetings from your old friend Santa! My, my, it seems the Christmas season comes a bit earlier each year,…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryThis Is The Year I’m Finally Going To Burn Your House DownAs winter temperatures arrive and the end of the year approaches, I find myself in a place of deep reflection.…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryI May Not Be The Prettiest Girl In The Room, But What I Do Have Is A GunI get it. I’m not much of a looker. I know I’m not ugly or anything, but I have enough humility to recognize there…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryIf I Die, I Want You To Tell My Wife I Wasn’t Really That Super Into HerAs I lie here, my vision starting to fade, I know I likely will not live to see my home again. The approach of death…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryThis Angry Mob Is Never Going To Grow Until We’re More Welcoming To New Members As I look out at the faces surrounding me here today, I am reminded of how much we’ve accomplished in such a short…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentarySometimes, In My Lowest Moments, I Feel Like No One Would Even Care If I Dyed My HairLife can be pretty rough when you’re feeling down in the dumps. Maybe it starts because school is stressing you out,…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentarySweetheart, The Day You Were Conceived Was The Best Day Of My LifeI didn’t know what to expect on that day 15 years ago when I began my journey into motherhood. I had no idea how…
OpinionCommentaryEditorialOpinionCommentaryEditorial‘The Onion’ Has Chosen To Publish An Anonymous Op-Ed From Two Sources Close To Trump Who Think Their Dad Is The Best President EverToday, The Onion is making an unusual editorial decision, and we want to explain why. As turmoil continues to…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryI Can No Longer In Good Conscience Eat Meat After Seeing That Tic-Tac-Toe-Playing Chicken At The County FairI’ve been a meat eater for 52 years. That’s the way my parents raised me. Chicken, pork, beef, lamb—I ate it all,…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryI’m Not Sure Why I Should Suffer For Something I Did 10 Years Ago And Would Do Again In A HeartbeatRecently, several accusations have been made against me—eight women have come forward to claim I made inappropriate…
OpinionCommentaryEditorialOpinionCommentaryEditorial‘The Onion’ Proudly Stands With The Media As The Enemy Of The PeopleIn recent days, President Donald Trump has increased his criticism of the media, and at a briefing Thursday, his…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryLove On A BudgetGirl, you know I would do whatever it takes to make all your fantasies come true. I would cross a continent. I would…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryI Am Leaving The Bloated Corpse Of Journalism Behind For This So-Called ‘Sociable-Media’ And Its Mountains Of GoldAs any half-aware simpleton will doubt-less tell you, the Fall of News has at long last come upon us. Indeed, for…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryDaddy, I Don’t Want To Live In The World Your Website Has CreatedDaddy, I’ve been thinking. I know I never talk to you about Facebook. You’ve worked really hard on it, and it means…