So you’ve probably heard about the new report saying human-caused climate change is putting about a million…
I tell ya, times sure have changed since I was a boy. Nowadays in our fast-paced Copper Age civilization, people are…
Since we opened our first location in Sauk City, WI in 1984, Culver’s has become a beloved institution across the…
After tirelessly poring over the Special Counsel’s recently released findings, The Onion can confidently report that…
I know at times I can come off a bit caustic and abrasive. For years, I had no idea where these destructive feelings…
All of us do or say the wrong thing from time to time. It’s my belief that what matters most is not the mistakes we…
Season’s greetings from your old friend Santa! My, my, it seems the Christmas season comes a bit earlier each year,…
As winter temperatures arrive and the end of the year approaches, I find myself in a place of deep reflection.…
I get it. I’m not much of a looker. I know I’m not ugly or anything, but I have enough humility to recognize there…
As I lie here, my vision starting to fade, I know I likely will not live to see my home again. The approach of death…
As I look out at the faces surrounding me here today, I am reminded of how much we’ve accomplished in such a short…
Life can be pretty rough when you’re feeling down in the dumps. Maybe it starts because school is stressing you out,…
I didn’t know what to expect on that day 15 years ago when I began my journey into motherhood. I had no idea how…
Today, The Onion is making an unusual editorial decision, and we want to explain why. As turmoil continues to…
I’ve been a meat eater for 52 years. That’s the way my parents raised me. Chicken, pork, beef, lamb—I ate it all,…
Recently, several accusations have been made against me—eight women have come forward to claim I made inappropriate…
In recent days, President Donald Trump has increased his criticism of the media, and at a briefing Thursday, his…
Girl, you know I would do whatever it takes to make all your fantasies come true. I would cross a continent. I would…
As any half-aware simpleton will doubt-less tell you, the Fall of News has at long last come upon us. Indeed, for…
Daddy, I’ve been thinking. I know I never talk to you about Facebook. You’ve worked really hard on it, and it means…