OpinionCommentaryPoint/CounterpointOpinionCommentaryPoint/CounterpointPoint/Counterpoint: A Self-Driving Tesla Ran Over My Son vs. Elon Musk Is Revolutionizing The Way We Kill PeopleEarlier this year, my family suffered an unimaginable tragedy when we lost my beautiful 5-year-old son Gavin. While…PublishedMay 31, 2022
OpinionCommentaryEditorialOpinionCommentaryEditorialBREAKING: ‘The Onion’ Has Purchased A 0.000000125% Stake In Twitter And Is Demanding A Seat On The BoardIn an unprecedented move certain to bring the entire tech industry to its knees, The Onion proudly announces this…PublishedApril 21, 2022
OpinionCommentaryEditorialOpinionCommentaryEditorialIt’s Been 11 Minutes Since The Onion Was Banned From Twitter. So Why Isn’t The Mainstream Media Covering This?A darkness has fallen upon the Fourth Estate. It is a darkness only seen after a nation’s sole beacon of…PublishedApril 21, 2022Comments (1)
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryI Thought This Was The Kind Of Shit America LikedOn Feb. 24, 2022, I—Vladimir Putin—sent troops into Ukraine to conduct a special military operation. As the…PublishedApril 7, 2022
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryPlease Like MeIt can be strange, sometimes, to be me. I’m the wealthiest man on the planet, for starters. Leaders across America,…PublishedMarch 24, 2022
OpinionCommentaryEditorialOpinionCommentaryEditorialIn Defense Of Mass CensorshipWhen The Onion’s editorial board convened to discuss the tumultuous events of the previous month, one conclusion…PublishedMarch 18, 2022
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryI Am Still In The CarI, Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, have faced countless challenges throughout my decades-long career. As a member…PublishedMarch 25, 2021
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryWelfare CheckHow glad I am that that absolute heckscape known as 2020 is finally over! Whew! I don’t care if the year made the…PublishedJanuary 19, 2021
OpinionCommentaryEditorialOpinionCommentaryEditorialBREAKING: ‘The Onion’ Has Obtained The IRS Tax Form 1040The duty of a free press has always been to provide readers with a comprehensive and unvarnished picture of the…PublishedSeptember 28, 2020
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentary‘The Onion’ Launches New Cover-Up Desk To Suppress Today’s Most Damning StoriesAs many controversial stories have recently demonstrated, journalists play a significant role in determining how a…PublishedNovember 8, 2019
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryI Have To Admit, I Spoil Dax ShepardI have a small confession to make. There’s this little thing that, for whatever reason, I just can’t stop Myself…PublishedNovember 7, 2019
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryIt’s Long Past Time For Jack-O’-Lanterns To Decide Once And For All If They Are On The Side Of Humans Or The Side Of DemonsEach fall, we welcome the sight of jack-o’-lanterns. They beautify our porches, light the paths to our doors, and,…PublishedOctober 31, 2019
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryI Was In A Movie Called ‘Waterworld’ And Global Warming Is Causing Rising Sea Levels, So Is There Anything To That? Is That Worth Writing An Op-Ed About? No? I Dunno, Anyways…Hi, I’m Kevin Costner. In 1995, I was in a pretty big-budget movie called Waterworld, and a major plot point of Water…PublishedSeptember 17, 2019
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryAt The Peak Of My Fame, I Could Have Slept With Any Werewolf, Mummy, Or Ghoul I WantedWhen you strike it big as a children’s author, your life changes dramatically. The money starts pouring in, and then…PublishedJuly 11, 2019
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryHoney, If You Ever Have Any Questions About Sex, You Can Always Consult The Hundreds Of Pages Of Fan Fiction In My ClosetWell, you’re getting to that age. Your body is starting to change, and you may have begun to experience new kinds of…PublishedMay 29, 2019
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryTraveling Is An Incredible Way To Meet Vulnerable People Nobody Will Go Looking ForMany travel for the pleasures of sightseeing. Others to experience a different culture: its history, its art, its…PublishedMay 15, 2019
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryIslam Is Incompatible With Country-Western CultureThere’s been some changes lately ’round these parts. Spilling over the countryside from hill to holler, Muslim…PublishedMay 10, 2019
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryBye!So you’ve probably heard about the new report saying human-caused climate change is putting about a million…PublishedMay 7, 2019