OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryI Have To Admit, I Spoil Dax ShepardI have a small confession to make. There’s this little thing that, for whatever reason, I just can’t stop Myself…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryIt’s Long Past Time For Jack-O’-Lanterns To Decide Once And For All If They Are On The Side Of Humans Or The Side Of DemonsEach fall, we welcome the sight of jack-o’-lanterns. They beautify our porches, light the paths to our doors, and,…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryI Was In A Movie Called ‘Waterworld’ And Global Warming Is Causing Rising Sea Levels, So Is There Anything To That? Is That Worth Writing An Op-Ed About? No? I Dunno, Anyways…Hi, I’m Kevin Costner. In 1995, I was in a pretty big-budget movie called Waterworld, and a major plot point of Water…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryAt The Peak Of My Fame, I Could Have Slept With Any Werewolf, Mummy, Or Ghoul I WantedWhen you strike it big as a children’s author, your life changes dramatically. The money starts pouring in, and then…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryHoney, If You Ever Have Any Questions About Sex, You Can Always Consult The Hundreds Of Pages Of Fan Fiction In My ClosetWell, you’re getting to that age. Your body is starting to change, and you may have begun to experience new kinds of…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryTraveling Is An Incredible Way To Meet Vulnerable People Nobody Will Go Looking ForMany travel for the pleasures of sightseeing. Others to experience a different culture: its history, its art, its…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryIslam Is Incompatible With Country-Western CultureThere’s been some changes lately ’round these parts. Spilling over the countryside from hill to holler, Muslim…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryBye!So you’ve probably heard about the new report saying human-caused climate change is putting about a million…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryThank God We Didn’t Have Written Language Back When I Was A TeenagerI tell ya, times sure have changed since I was a boy. Nowadays in our fast-paced Copper Age civilization, people are…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryI Will Personally Destroy The Chances Of Any 2020 Candidate Who Doesn’t Get Their Picture Taken Eating At Culver’sSince we opened our first location in Sauk City, WI in 1984, Culver’s has become a beloved institution across the…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryThe Onion’s Legal Analysts Have Completed Their Official Count Of How Many Pages Are In The Mueller ReportAfter tirelessly poring over the Special Counsel’s recently released findings, The Onion can confidently report that…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryI Guess I’m Only Tough On Stains Because My Dad Was So Tough On MeI know at times I can come off a bit caustic and abrasive. For years, I had no idea where these destructive feelings…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryIt’s Not An Easy Thing To Admit When You’re Wrong, And That’s Why I Won’t Do ItAll of us do or say the wrong thing from time to time. It’s my belief that what matters most is not the mistakes we…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryHo, Ho, Ho! Send Me $100 Billion By Christmas Or I Will Detonate A Dirty Bomb In 5 Major Cities!Season’s greetings from your old friend Santa! My, my, it seems the Christmas season comes a bit earlier each year,…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryThis Is The Year I’m Finally Going To Burn Your House DownAs winter temperatures arrive and the end of the year approaches, I find myself in a place of deep reflection.…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryI May Not Be The Prettiest Girl In The Room, But What I Do Have Is A GunI get it. I’m not much of a looker. I know I’m not ugly or anything, but I have enough humility to recognize there…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryIf I Die, I Want You To Tell My Wife I Wasn’t Really That Super Into HerAs I lie here, my vision starting to fade, I know I likely will not live to see my home again. The approach of death…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentaryThis Angry Mob Is Never Going To Grow Until We’re More Welcoming To New Members As I look out at the faces surrounding me here today, I am reminded of how much we’ve accomplished in such a short…
OpinionCommentaryOpinionCommentarySometimes, In My Lowest Moments, I Feel Like No One Would Even Care If I Dyed My HairLife can be pretty rough when you’re feeling down in the dumps. Maybe it starts because school is stressing you out,…