Orioles Concerned After Multiple Players Arrive At Spring Training In Way Too Good Of Shape For Baseball

Illustration for article titled Orioles Concerned After Multiple Players Arrive At Spring Training In Way Too Good Of Shape For Baseball

SARASOTA, FL—Suspiciously scanning their social media profiles and contacting agents to look for any signs of discontent, the Baltimore Orioles management was reportedly concerned Tuesday after multiple players showed up to the first day of spring training in way too good of shape for baseball. “What are they up to? Are they planning to quit and go play tennis or basketball or something?” said manager Brandon Hyde, watching shortstop Ryan Mountcastle sprint between bases and snatch a line drive out of the air without so much as breaking a sweat. “They must be gunning for a trade to another team. Anthony [Santander] looks like he lost 15 pounds. He looks more like a cornerback than an outfielder. Ugh, I can’t believe he showed up just completely jacked. We clearly have to do something about morale, or we are gonna lose half our team to La Liga.” At press time Hyde was issuing an order that every in-shape Orioles player put on 30 pounds of flab by opening day or risk being fined.