Green Book

Synopsis: The story of a black musician and his limo driver overcoming racial barriers in the 1960s, this road movie is a prime example of the antiquated, offensive Italian Savior narrative

Prospects: Like all the nominees for Best Picture, Green Book stands a one in eight chance of winning

Defining Line: “Look at this book, Don. Tell me what color this fucking book is.”


Roma

Synopsis: It’s hard to describe—it’s sort of like—well, you know that feeling when you’re just having a really swell day? And you look over and there’s your best gal Susie. And you turn on the radio and Buddy Holly is playing “Everyday,” and, heck, just then they’re rolling out with your strawberry malt and onion rings? Well, that’s Roma in a nutshell

Prospects: As the objective best film of 2018, Roma will most likely leave the Oscars empty-handed

Defining Line: “Buffering...buffering...buffering…”

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Black Panther

Synopsis: The heartbreaking story of a white arms dealer who is tragically killed after getting mixed up in the political struggles of an African nation

Prospects: Shamelessly panders to Academy voters with its heavy-handed, one-sided take on the vibranium mining industry

Defining Line: “You are a good man, with a good heart. And it’s hard for a good man to be a king. And in a truly just society, of course, we wouldn’t have a king, or rich dynastic forces who wield undemocratic, unaccountable power. And anyone who desires and propagates that model of society, like a person such as yourself, is, frankly, immoral, and should not be looked up to in any circumstances. So that’s all pretty fucked up, and certainly nothing to celebrate. But, yeah, anyway, you’ll be good at being a king.”

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Vice

Synopsis: Left-leaning hack Adam McKay betrays his ignorance with a biased portrayal of the former vice president and longtime ally of The Onion as some sort of villain, when his generosity towards journalists and, indeed, the world at large, has no bounds

Prospects: Look, they tried, okay? Can you blame a man for trying?

Defining Line: “Wow, 9/11! I can’t believe we actually pulled it off! The heist of the century!”


Bohemian Rhapsody

Synopsis: Follows Queen singer Freddie Mercury as he struggles with the difficult and courageous decision to get AIDS

Prospects: Ah, yes, another singy! We love the singys!

Defining Line: “Hey—hey kids, you like parties? Come on up to my hotel room. I got a few bottles. What of? Ha, you crack me up. Yeah. I’m the guy who directed Bohemian Rhapsody. Pretty cool, huh?”

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BlacKkKlansman

Synopsis: BlacKkKlansman is an accurate portrayal of the struggles of many police officers serving on the force and in the KKK at the same time

Prospects: The consensus among Academy members is that Spike Lee should just be happy being nominated

Defining Line: “Hey, Adam Driver here. Just wanted to pop in for a second to let everyone know that this movie is about Trump. Okay, thanks! And now, back to the show!”

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A Star Is Born

Synopsis: Same as the first four versions of this movie

Prospects: May be popular among Academy voters who believe rewarding it with Best Picture may be the only way to end the ceaseless deluge of remakes

Defining Line: “Your star! It’s...hatching!”


The Favourite

Synopsis: Starring Olivia Colman, Emma Stone, and Rachel Weisz, The Favourite is this year’s British one

Prospects: While it did well with critics and audiences alike, it could have a tough time beating out...uh, Green Book? Wow, the films this year were fucking awful

Defining Line: “These 17 rabbits are my 17 children. I married a rabbit, you see, and they all got their father’s genes, which are rabbit genes. This is why I am constantly upset.”

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