HACKENSACK, NJ—Quickly rebranding their packaging with images of the Trail of Tears and the Ku Klux Klan blood drop cross, a host of other butter companies were scrambling this week to fill the racism void left by Land-O-Lakes. “Real Americans understand that it’s important to celebrate our shared history, and we want bigots to know it’s okay for them to buy our butter and spreads,” said Country Crock spokesperson Ben Flaherty, who joined brands like Organic Valley’s new “Confederate Cream” and Unilever’s “Aryan Pure Unsalted” in attempting to tap into a valuable market that includes tens of millions of American consumers. “People who see other races as genetically inferior are just as much a part of this nation as anyone else, and we want them to know Country Crock stands for the values of 1860. Butter has been there since the founding of this country, helping settlers slaughter natives, torment minorities, and fulfill the American dream, and we should never forget that history.” At press time, sales for the competitors of Land-O-Lakes had surged 760%.
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