Our Annual Year: Best Of August

School Administration Reminds Female Students Bulletproof Vests Must Cover Midriff

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Every Ingredient In Recipe Substituted To Avoid Trip To Store

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Sick Boy’s ‘Visit To Heaven’ Sounding More And More Like Wet Dream

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‘Sorry About The Tornado Or Whatever,’ Says Trump Wolfing Down Bowl Of Chili While Consoling El Paso Shooting Victim

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Car’s Bumper Stickers Betray A Confusing Hodgepodge Of Sports Loyalties

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Trump Attempts To Ease Tensions With Jewish Community By Noting He Also Would’ve Murdered Christ

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Crowd Roars In Approval As Makeup-Smeared Trump Begs Rally To Tell Him He’s Beautiful

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Pete Buttigieg Charms Crowd At Iowa Truck Stop By Sampling Local Meth

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Trump Boys Counter Chinese Currency Manipulation By Adding Extra Zeros To $20 Bills

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Aides Struggle To Stop Dozens Of Kerosene-Soaked Republicans From Lighting Selves Ablaze Atop David Koch’s Body

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Christ Calls Off Plans For Return After Realizing It’s Been So Long It’ll Be Weird Now

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Postal Service Releases Stamp With Anus On It To See If Anyone Cares What’s On Stamps Anymore

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Tucker Carlson Insists Every White Supremacist In America Could Fit In Stadium But That Tickets To TuckerCon Won’t Last

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Thomas Jefferson: ‘The Tree Of Liberty Must Be Refreshed From Time To Time With The Blood Of Patriots And Tyrants And Kindergarteners And Newlyweds And High-Schoolers And Parents And Teachers And Worshippers And Workers And Occasionally Infants’

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Horrified Amazon Worker Awakes From Warehouse Accident To Find Jeff Bezos Welding Mechanical Limbs Onto Stumps Where Arms Used To Be

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