Our Dumb Decade: Best Of 2013

Fugitive Doctor Accuses Devlin MacGregor Of Fraud

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Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack

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‘I Was One Of Several People Duped,’ Manti Te’o Tells Scarecrow Dressed As Katie Couric

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Roomba Thrown Out Of Home After Being Caught Staring At Sleeping Daughter

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Teenage Girl Blossoming Into Beautiful Object

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Danica Patrick Lauded For Breaking Down Barriers For Attractive Women

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Insatiable Water Droplet Barrels Down Windowpane Consuming Everything In Its Path

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Battle Of Wits With Unwieldy Burrito Nears Thrilling Endgame

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Appearance Of Dennis Rodman Most Normal Thing To Happen In North Korea

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Pretty Cute Watching Boston Residents Play Daily Game Of ‘Big City’

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Tim Duncan Around If Any Spurs Have Questions About Sequester

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Obama Sarcastically Asks How Israel Afforded Such A Great Missile Defense System

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Jerry Sandusky Pretty Charming In Interview

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Future Christian Drinking And Doing Drugs And Thinking It’s One Big Joke

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I Guess When My Older Brother Said ‘Let’s Bomb The Boston Marathon,’ I Should Have Said No (By Dzhokhar A. Tsarnaev)

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Secretary Of Interior Takes Presidential Oath Of Office (‘I Still Can’t Believe The President, Vice President, Speaker Of The House, President Pro Tem, Sec. Of State, Sec. Of The Treasury, Sec. Of Defense, And Attorney General Were All In That Hot-Air Balloon,’ Says New President Sally Jewell)

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SPONSORED: Today’s Ku Klux Klan: Back On Top And Ready For The Future

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Victorious Tiger Woods: ‘I Hit The Ball Well, My Life Is A Dark And Twisted Struggle, And I Made Some Good Putts’

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17-Year Cicadas Horrified To Learn About 9/11

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The Events Depicted In ‘Star Wars’ Actually Happened To Me (By George Lucas)

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Clear Theme Of Obedient Children Emerging In Father’s Bedtime Stories

HUMBOLDT, TN—Citing recent tales such as “Hank the Homework-Before-Dessert Dog,” “Elmer the Don’t-Talk-Back Parrot,” and “Hard Work Is Its Own Reward,” 8-year-old Travis Ferland told reporters Wednesday the theme of obedient children had begun to recur in his father’s bedtime stories. “In last night’s story, Ricky the Raccoon was almost to Pinecone Castle to rescue Princess Porcupine when he suddenly turned around and went home because he realized he had forgotten to ask his dad for permission to go outside,” said Travis, noting that his father had also recently introduced a human character named “Travvie” who, because he wishes to be a big help to his father, chooses to rake leaves without receiving an allowance. “At least it was better than the one about the unicorn who goes on a trip with his parents and does nothing the whole time but sit quietly in the backseat of the car and behave himself.” Travis’ father, Peter Ferland, declined to comment on the bedtime stories and instead asked if his son had been polite or “acted like a little shit” when talking with reporters.

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Just Once I’d Like To Make A Hotel Reservation Without Having To Hear About Someone’s Relative Who Survived The Holocaust (By Elie Wiesel)

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Biden Has Guy Named Worm Sit In For Him At Cabinet Meeting

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Insecure, Frustrated Bully With Something To Prove Considering Career In Law Enforcement

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Report: Some Shirts Good, Other Shirts Not Good

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Cat Seemed Perfectly Fine Until Point He Bolted Out Of Room

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Narrow Gaps In Bathroom Stall Doors To Be Widened Monday

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Study: 25-Foot-Tall Asian Women Remain Underrepresented In Media

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Bricks Goddamn Everywhere, Reports Psychotic Study

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Liquor Commercial Featuring Dance Party On Pirate Ship Also Includes Important Message About Responsibility

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Weak Little Man Asks For Help

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‘Breaking Bad’ Ends With Reveal That Whole Series Was Plot Of Book Marie Shoplifted

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David Bowie Asks Iman If They Should Just Do Lasagna Again

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Nude Biden Wakes Up On Cold Slab In D.C. Morgue

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Police Investigate Reports Of Local Gay Man Being Dragged Behind Motor Boat

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Nation’s Pedophiles March On Washington, D.C. Elementary School

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Man Smoking E-Cigarette Must Be Futuristic Bounty Hunter

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Least Popular Guy At House Party Really Hitting It Off With Dog

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NFL Players Worried Increased Media Scrutiny Could Disrupt Locker Room BDSM Culture

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Open Floor Plan Increases Office Shooter’s Productivity By 95%

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Deformed Freak Born Without Penis

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Stunned St. Peter’s Square Crowd Overhears Pope Francis Getting Bitched Out By God

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Modern-Day Caligula Orders Everything Bagel

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Meth Actually Not That Bad For You, Report Doctors Dismantling Stereo

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