Our Dumb Decade: Best Of 2014

Girlfriend Overdoses On Lotion

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Study: This Descended From Wolves

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Pilot Tells Passengers He’s About To Try Something

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Seahawks To Seattle Fans: ‘Shut The Fuck Up’

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Mom Just Called To Say Hi And That She’s Very Sad

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Beautiful Cinnamon Roll Too Good For This World, Too Pure

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Aaron Eckhart Likes To Make One Frankenstein Movie For Them, One Frankenstein Movie For Himself

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Teacher Surprised The 2 Weird Kids Haven’t Hit It Off Yet

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Nation’s Girlfriends Admit Absolutely Everything Riding On Valentine’s Day

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NASCAR Fans Realize Richard Petty May Not Be As Open-Minded As He Looks

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Drunken Man Careens Wildly Across Internet

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Emergency Crews Attempt To Rescue Olympic Figure Skater Who Fell Through Ice

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German Leaders Quietly Confident They Could Pull Off Another Holocaust If They Ever Really Wanted

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So-Called Christian Has Erection

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Debate Raging As To Whether Michael Jordan Or LeBron James Biggest Asshole To Ever Play Basketball

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Modern Science Still Only Able To Predict One Upcoming Tetris Block

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Political Cartoonist’s Wife Finds Disturbing Nude Drawings Of Uncle Sam

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BREAKING: Imperial Inspector To Arrive By Railcar This Very Afternoon

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Brief Moment Of Lucidity Called Panic Attack

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Area Mother Doesn’t See Why Thai People Need To Make Food So Spicy

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‘The Onion’ Offers Richie Incognito A 5-Year, $50 Million Contract

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Obama Spends Afternoon In Garage Restoring Classic Drone

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Increasing Number Of Men Pressured To Accept Realistic Standards Of Female Beauty

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FBI Uncovers Al-Qaeda Plot To Just Sit Back And Enjoy Collapse Of United States

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Report: U.S. Still Leads World With Highest Density Of Kevins

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Local Man Not Sure How He Ended Up In Boxing Entourage

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Report: Growing Number Of Americans Forced To Make Ends Meet By Collaborating On Song With Pitbull

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Man Feeling Guilty About Chowing Down At 9/11 Museum Café

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Everyone In Sears Spanking A Child

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Girlfriend, Girlfriend’s Brother Look Way Too Much Alike

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‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

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Study Links Drinking While Pregnant To Being At Kid Rock Concert

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Bedtime Story From Fucking Bible Again

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Man’s Anxiety Not About To Let Depression Muscle In On Turf

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New Anti-Abortion Legislation Requires Doctors To Scale 18-Foot Wall Surrounding Clinic

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Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son

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Area Woman’s Type Tall, Athletic Men Who Have Already Hurt Her

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Grandmother Talking A Big Game About Being Alive Next Year

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Area Facebook User Incredibly Stupid

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Report: 79% Of Minority Suspects Receive Miranda Rights While Unconscious

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Report: More Americans Putting Off Retirement Until Final Few Moments Before Death

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New Study Finds Link Between Breastfeeding, Always Knowing What’s Right For Everyone

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Death Row Guard Has Always Had A Soft Spot For The Innocent Ones

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3-Day Waiting Period Leads To Far More Feasible Murder Plot

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Daily Spin Class Only Thing Keeping Mom From Driving Car Full Of Kids Into Ocean

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Nation Admits It Could Probably Be Talked Into Another War

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Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year

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Police Pleasantly Surprised To Learn Man They Shot Was Armed

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Second-Grader Likes To Save Purple Pills For Last

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Pathetic, Washed-Up Rock Star On Fifth Decade Of Doing Exactly What He Always Wanted

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Ira Glass Exhausted From Doing Every Single Voice On ‘This American Life’

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Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were Killed By Someone They Trusted

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Wife Kept Up All Night By Kevin Garnett Talking Trash In Sleep

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