Our Dumb Decade: Best Of 2016

Exhausted Bill Belichick Attempts To Wake Up By Splashing Some Blood On His Face

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Pajama-Clad Child Makes Turbulent Rampage Through Dinner Party

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Corn Added To List Of Items That Upset Grandma’s Stomach

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Nation Shudders To Think How Mad NRA Would Be If Obama Actually Proposed Meaningful Gun Control

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Middle-Aged Man In Gym Locker Room Puts Shirt On Before Underwear

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Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

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Female Presidential Candidate Who Was United States Senator, Secretary Of State Told To Be More Inspiring

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Sanders Campaign Headquarters Smashed Up By Gang Of Pinkerton Union Busters

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Obama Transformed Into 20-Foot-Tall Monster President After Being Doused With Job-Growth Chemical

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Zoo Hosts Contest To Name Baby Of Pregnant Gift Shop Worker

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Mom Wants To Know If You’ll Be Free If She Visits 14 Months From Now

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Subway Manager Disgusted By Sight Of Cold Cut Combo Devouring Large Rat

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Clinton Campaign Treasurer Crushed To Death After Stack Of Campaign Funds Topples Over

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ExxonMobil CEO Relieved It Finally Too Late To Do Anything About Climate Change

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Lakers Players Curious What It Must Be Like To Be Inspired By Kobe Bryant

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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

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Nation Too Sad To Fuck Even Though It’s What Prince Would Have Wanted

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Report: 750,000 Americans Die Each Year During First Attempt To Get Back In Shape

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Christ Does Soft Return To Gauge Interest

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Tim Duncan Sternly Reminds Spurs About Maximum Occupancy Limit Of Locker Room

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Family Chooses Different Dog Than Reincarnated Grandfather

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New Uber Update Allows Users To File Lawsuit Against Company Directly In App

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Obama Discovers Telepathic Connection With Military Drone In Afghanistan

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Man Getting Futon All Dolled Up For Craigslist Photo Shoot

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‘I’m A Trump-Era Conservative,’ Says Horrifying Man 25 Years From Now

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Pregnant Women Asked To Leave Convention Hall During Ted Cruz Speech For Safety Of Developing Fetuses

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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

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Biden Busted In DNC Parking Lot Selling Bootleg ‘I’m With Her’ T-Shirts

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God Loses Tip Of Finger In Black Hole Accident

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Jury Finds Man Guilty Of Murdering Wife And Children, But Gets It

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Pope Francis Beats Confession Out Of Uncooperative Catholic

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Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

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New Study Finds Unplanned Pregnancies Continuing To Decline In Bruce Springsteen Lyrics

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Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

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Black Man Blissfully Unaware His Name Going To Be Hashtag By End Of Week

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‘The Onion’ Has Obtained Donald Trump’s Tax Returns And Has Chosen To Destroy Them

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Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

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Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

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Millions Of Drunk Cubs Fans Rioting In Heaven Following World Series Win

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Nation Puts 2016 Election Into Perspective By Reminding Itself Some Species Of Sea Turtles Get Eaten By Birds Just Seconds After They Hatch

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Nation’s Still-Undecided Voters: ‘Help, We Can’t Get Our Car Seatbelts Off’

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Nation Elects First Black-Hearted President

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Ruth Bader Ginsburg Debating Whether To Cancel Winter Vacation Climbing K2

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Report: Banana Still Most Popular Fruit For Pretending To Receive Phone Call

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City Of Chicago Working Around Clock To Clear 18 Inches Of Bullet Casings From Streets

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