Our Dumb Decade: Best Of 2017

Trump Gives Intelligence Agencies Their Daily Briefing

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Bloodied, Bruised John Kerry Emerges Victorious At Kickboxing Tournament In Bangkok Prison

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SeaWorld Café Introduces New 5-Pound Orca Burger–Eating Challenge

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You People Made Me Give Up My Peanut Farm — By Jimmy Carter

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Explanation Of Board Game Rules Peppered With Assurances It Will Be Fun

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Nation’s Stomach Ulcers Predict Trump Administration Will Provide Opportunities For Unlimited Growth In 2017

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Prison Now Allowing Death Row Inmates To Receive Weekly Visitors Throughout Executions

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Roger Goodell Lays Wreath At National Football League Cemetery In Super Bowl Tradition

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

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87% Of Loud Crashing Noises Are Nothing, Report Top Experts From Other Room

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Completely Sober Employee Still Embarrassing Self At Company Party

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Man’s Genetic Predisposition For Heart Disease No Match For 10 Half-Assed Push-Ups He Does Couple Times A Week

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Report: You To Learn Names Of 3 Reprehensible Public Officials This Week

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Mike Pence Asks Waiter To Remove Mrs. Butterworth From Table Until Wife Arrives

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Sweating, Shaking Pharmaceutical CEO Says He Can Stop Profiting Off Opioid Epidemic Anytime He Wants

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Mom Locked In Infinite Loop Of Purchasing, Returning Items From Lord & Taylor

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U.S. Funneling Arms To Dissident Angel Group In Effort To Topple God

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Gorsuch Nervous About Showering In Front Of Other Supreme Court Justices

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Mom Figures It About Time To Sit Down Adolescent Daughter And Explain How Weight Watchers Points Work

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

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Historians Discover Thomas Jefferson May Have Secretly Fathered Multiple Other Countries

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Crowd Shocked After Unhinged Trump Dangles Baby From Truman Balcony

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Hundreds Of Miniature Sean Hannitys Burst From Roger Ailes’ Corpse

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Panic Floods Mike Pence’s System Before Realizing Hand On Knee His Own

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LeBron James Dances Naked Inside Pentagram Of Black Candles In New Pregame Satanic Ritual

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Trump Boys Chasing Wounded Boar Around White House

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Virginia Shooting Somehow Proves What Every Single American Has Been Saying All Along

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Gaunt, Sickly Kirby Takes Leave Of Absence From Video Games Following Stomach Cancer Diagnosis

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God Falling Under Influence Of Powerful Spiritual Guru

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‘You Deserve Better Than The Person You’re Dating,’ Reports Little Voice In Back Of Mind

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American Airlines Admirals Club Installs Two-Way Mirror For Members To Enjoy Misery Of Passengers In Gate Waiting Area

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76 Million Baby Boomers Abscond To Fiji After Draining Nation’s Social Security, Medicare Accounts

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New Evidence Suggests Humans May Have Been Dipping Crunchy Things Into Gooey Things Earlier Than Previously Thought

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Nation’s Middle Class Chillingly Reappears Out Of Nowhere

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Taylor Swift Unveils Even Darker Persona With New Single ‘Skullfucking Maggot Shit Boyfriend’

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College Freshman Experiences First Tantalizing Taste Of Freedom Waiting In Line At Burrito Station While Parents Find Table

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‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

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Stunned Family Watches As Grandmother Wolfs Down Sandwich In 33 Minutes

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Woman Comes Forward With First Allegations Of Biggest Sexual Harassment Scandal Of 2036

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Embarrassed Health Guru Informs Tom Brady He’s Been Mistakenly Following Toxic Diet Regimen

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Presidential Limo Guns It Around Corner In Attempt To Toss Robert Mueller From Roof

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Pet Researchers Confirm 100% Of Owners Who Leave For Work Never Coming Back

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‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

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Fox News Struggling To Attract Younger 60-75 Demographic

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Man With 3 Kids Going To Make Great Father Someday

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Al Franken: ‘I’m Deeply Sorry For My Hilarious Actions’

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