Our Dumb Decade: Best Of 2018

2018 The Year It All Going To Fall Into Place, Delusional Sources Report

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Mom Hasn’t Said Full, Uninterrupted Sentence To Family Since 1997

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New Report Finds Adult Film Star May Have Paid Over $130,000 To Cover Up Sexual Encounter With Trump

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Tearful Elon Musk Warns About Dangers Of AI After Having Heart Broken By Beautiful Robotrix

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‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

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‘It’s Step, Twist, Step, Dammit!’ Yells Leotard-Wearing, Cigarette-Smoking John Kelly While Choreographing Upcoming Military Parade

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White Supremacist Tired After Long Day Of Interviews With Mainstream News Outlets

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Nation Praying For Super Nasty Luge Accident

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Panicked Billy Graham Realizes He Took Wrong Turn Into Heaven’s Largest Gay Neighborhood

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New Workplace Diversity Initiative Kills One White Employee Every Hour On The Hour Until More Minority Candidates Hired

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NRA Ad Director Still Searching For Right Sinister Music To Play Over Footage Of High Schoolers

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‘I Must Make Sure You Have The Skills To Please My Grandson,’ Says Queen Elizabeth Disrobing Before Meghan Markle

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Jeff Bezos Tables Latest Breakthrough Cost-Cutting Idea After Realizing It’s Just Slaves

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Black Father Gives Son The Talk About Holding Literally Any Object

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Mike Pompeo Can’t Believe Senate Just Expects He’ll Answer Questions Without Being Tortured First

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Mom Makes Sure Everyone Has Masturbated Before Long Car Ride

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Friend Dishonorably Discharged From Navigation Duties After Missing Exit

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Report Suggests Stalin Was Just One Great Purge Away From Creating Communist Utopia

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Kanye West: ‘I Would’ve Ridden Away From A Slave Plantation On A Motorcycle First Chance I Got’

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‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

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Trump Boys Construct Fake Melania For Lonely Father To Spend Time With

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Rain-Soaked Robert Mueller Lets Manafort Surf One Final Monster Wave Before Bringing Him In

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Couple Fucking At Next Table Obviously On Third Date

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Mark Zuckerberg Insists Anyone With Same Skewed Values And Unrelenting Thirst For Power Could Have Made Same Mistakes

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25 Million Onion Social Users Run Into Glorious Flames Of Headquarters In Hopes Of Using Website One Last Time

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Papa John’s Removes N-Word From Menus

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Bodybuilder Strong, But Now What?

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New ICE Agent Establishes Dominance By Beating Up Biggest Child Prisoner On First Day

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The Onion Proudly Stands With The Media As The Enemy Of The People

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Fire Hydrant Blows Load Over Hot Neighborhood Kids

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University Admits It Pretty Weird They Let Bunch Of 20-Year-Olds Live In Big Mansion And Torture Each Other

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Embarrassed Brett Kavanaugh Can’t Believe He Wore Handmaid Costume On Same Day As Protesters

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Eiffel Tower Finally Completed

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‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

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Pony Anxiously Waiting For Attendant To Flag Large Child As Too Big For Ride

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Lions, Zebras, Giraffes Run Off Cliff Shrieking En Masse As Shadow Of Melania Trump’s Jet Passes Over Savanna

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Grandma Amazed By How Fuckable Grandson Has Gotten Since She Saw Him Last

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‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

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Jesus Announces Plans To Return Once The Dow Clears 27,000

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HR Director Doesn’t Know What It Is About Her That Makes People Want To Unload All Their Problems

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‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

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Nation Admits Being So Coked-Out In ’80s They Have No Memory Of Reading ‘Cujo’

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‘No, Take Jeb Instead,’ Screams George W. Bush While Shoving Brother Into Father’s Grave

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Red Cross Issues Reminder They Can’t Accept Donations From People With Loose Blood Cupped In Hands

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Nation Not Sure How Many Ex-Trump Staffers It Can Safely Reabsorb

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