WASHINGTON—Explaining there appeared to be a pattern of premeditated wrongdoing but that he didn’t want to make any claims he couldn’t substantiate with hard facts, an out-of-work Robert Mueller reportedly opened an investigation Friday into whether several neighborhood squirrels knowingly ate from his bird feeder. “On the one hand, there is just too much bird seed missing each morning to be attributable to birds alone, and on the other, there are a few suspicious squirrels who have been skulking around the yard lately—I think there’s some collusion afoot, but right now, it’s impossible to prove,” said the unshaven former FBI director, showing reporters how he had propped up several camcorders on his windowsill to film the squirrels when he wasn’t watching the animals through binoculars from under a canoe he’d flipped over in the corner of his yard. “I thought I had them the other night when the automatic light went on beside the garage, but by the time I got down there, the birdseed was gone. I followed the trail for a while, but it was raining and I lost the scent. There was a late-night meeting a few days ago between a possum and a raccoon I think might be germane to the case, but I don’t want to leap to any conclusions. I haven’t seen the raccoon interact with the squirrels yet, which makes me think there’s some go-between critter I haven’t identified. It’s a big question mark on the board I’ve got inside. They’re wily—they’re trying to play 12-step chess. Fortunately, though, I’ve got some experience playing that game. And I’ve got all the time in the world ever since I cleared up that inquiry into why the begonias kept getting trampled and also since my wife left me.” At press time, a frantic, wild-eyed Mueller had burst into FBI headquarters and demanded someone help him file a subpoena to get access to the inside of a tree where he suspected the squirrels were storing the stolen birdseed.
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