Oval Office Closed For Cleaning After Major Biden Vomits Partially Digested Secret Service Agent Onto Carpet

Illustration for article titled Oval Office Closed For Cleaning After Major Biden Vomits Partially Digested Secret Service Agent Onto Carpet

WASHINGTON—White House sources revealed Thursday that the Oval Office had been temporarily closed for cleaning after President Biden’s dog Major vomited a partially digested Secret Service agent onto the carpet. “Major is in good health and resting comfortably, and the office will be open as soon as a maintenance crew has finished scrubbing the floor of human remains,” said Press Secretary Jen Psaki, confirming that Biden’s German shepherd had been whining and moaning throughout the morning before ultimately disgorging what appeared to be an ear and a pair of sunglasses directly onto the presidential seal. “Major will be receiving additional obedience training, and we’ll be updating his diet to ensure that he’s receiving the requisite nutrients and won’t wander off to snack on any White House staff members or visiting dignitaries.” At press time, the National Mall had been shuttered until further notice after Major defecated the remainder of the agent into the Reflecting Pool.