WASHINGTON—With casualties in the ruthless conflict continuing to mount, sources confirmed more than 2 million Americans were left brain-dead Friday during the most brutal day yet in the nation’s online culture wars. “As the opposing camps exchange countless rounds of vapid tweets, shallow think pieces, and excruciating vlogs, we’re seeing unprecedented levels of brain cells being lost among U.S. citizens,” said Sherry Managos, a senior fellow at the nonpartisan Bridgewater Institute who attempts to document the devastating loss of cognitive function that has resulted from years of inane clashes on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and other volatile fronts. “After hours and hours of petty squabbling over some tedious, minor issue that no one will even remember two weeks from now, these Americans no longer register any discernible brain activity whatsoever. Unfortunately, the continuous virtue-signaling—an attempt to shore up defenses around their vulnerable egos and seize a scrap of social capital for themselves—depletes their mental resources until billions of neurons die off, leaving them completely catatonic.” At press time, reports indicated the tally was likely to reach 3 million after infighting broke out over the personal integrity and moral rectitude of a C-list Hollywood actor.
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