CHICAGO—In an effort to cope with the massive influx of patients from the eight-stage, 170-band music festival in nearby Grant Park, an overwhelmed Rush University Medical Center announced Monday that it would be giving priority to Lollapalooza’s VIP ticket holders. “We encourage all concertgoers with Platinum or VIP passes to get in the express line for our ICU, where they’ll receive a complimentary intubation and exclusive access to our ventilators,” said hospital administrator Erin Rossler, who added that holders of the premium passes could beat the festival’s daily crowds of around 100,000 people and hang out in the designated Lolla Triage Lounge while waiting for the results of their pulmonary function tests. “Once they have received a specialty monoclonal-antibody cocktail, as well as a curated offering of remdesivir and corticosteroids, we will begin serving everyone else. While we know this may be frustrating for those currently waiting in the emergency room, we must honor the terms of these VIP packages.” At press time, the hospital reportedly told general admission ticket holders they were welcome to wait in a tent in the parking lot, where they would be able to patronize a variety of local refrigerated morgue trucks.
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