Overwhelmed White Nationalist Militia Spread Way Too Thin Plotting Attacks Against Everyone Trump Wants

Illustration for article titled Overwhelmed White Nationalist Militia Spread Way Too Thin Plotting Attacks Against Everyone Trump Wants

WAUSAU, WI—Complaining that it was unrealistic to expect their small, grassroots terror organization to foment civil war on so many fronts at once, overwhelmed members of a local white nationalist militia stated Friday they were stretched to the limit trying to attack everyone the president wants them to. “So, just looking at what President Trump would like from us right now, we’re supposed to kidnap several congresswomen in Washington, run over some protestors in Louisville, and blow up a mosque in Minneapolis—how is it possible for a handful of guys to do all that?” said Dennis Blanchard, commander of the Badger State Brigade, who stressed that his five-member pro-Trump vigilante group was still very committed to the ideal of a white ethnostate, but had really overextended itself by trying to oust 10 state governments at the same time. “Look, I’m a motivated guy, but if I’m locked and loaded and en-route to CNN headquarters in New York, don’t tweet about something that’s going on in California, because I just can’t be there. We’re exhausted enough as it is. We’ve already got training camps to run, weapons to stockpile, polls to watch, online recruits to groom. It would really help us out a lot if the president could stay focused.” At press time, the domestic terrorists had reportedly decided to just drive down to Kenosha, plant a half dozen incendiary devices in urban neighborhoods, and call it a day.

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