OVERLAND PARK, KS—Marveling at her strong gait, no-nonsense attitude, and absolute laser focus while striding past, dozens of witnesses reportedly mistook a local woman’s overwhelming need to find a bathroom for confidence on Wednesday. “Wow, that’s someone who knows what she wants and knows how to get it,” local bystander Layla Pickett said about the woman, who, in fact, only appeared to be a “total badass” because she was directing all her physical, mental, and emotional energy toward not evacuating both her bladder and bowels as she proceeded as quickly as possible to a public toilet. “Seriously, she walks with such authority, and anyone who tries to talk to her, she just waves them off. That’s some serious boss-babe shit. Maybe she’s a celebrity?” At press time, sources confirmed the entire restaurant had mistaken the woman’s 30 minutes in the restroom as a sign she had likely received an important phone call about what must have been a once-in-a-lifetime business deal.
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