LOS GATOS, CA—Saying they felt like young lovers again, local husband and wife Jon and Sarah Nickoloff told reporters Wednesday that their use of an ovulation calendar in order to maximize the likelihood of conception has proven to be just the ticket for rekindling their lagging sex life.
The childless couple said their decision to attentively monitor Sarah’s menstrual cycle in order to pinpoint those days in which intercourse is most likely to lead to pregnancy has injected a level of fiery passion and unbridled sexual energy into their relationship, reportedly allowing them to experience previously unattained heights of carnal pleasure.
“I used to worry that the spark had left our marriage, but ever since we started having sex according to a rigid, preset schedule that we map out weeks in advance, we haven’t been able to keep our hands off each other,” said Sarah, 37, adding that carefully charting the narrow window in which her cervix is most receptive to her husband’s sperm never fails to drive both of them wild with desire. “Now that we feel an earnest obligation to make love as often as possible during that monthly 72-hour window in which it’s most feasible for me to conceive, we’ve been going at it like a couple of frisky teenagers. I swear, sometimes we have silent, mechanical sex three, even four times a day now.”
“Periodically checking that calendar and feeling like I absolutely must have Jon ejaculate inside me before my unfertilized egg disintegrates is enough to get our most erotic impulses running on overdrive,” she continued. “It’s like we’re on our honeymoon all over again.”
The Nickoloffs characterized the past few months, in which their moments of intimacy have been dictated solely according to the fluctuations of Sarah’s estrogen levels, as “completely mind-blowing,” claiming that their sizzling, strictly regimented intercourse leaves both of them perpetually turned on, overwhelmed with lust, and begging for more.
Specifically, the married couple pointed to such “hot and heavy” aspects of their reinvigorated sex life as obsessing over the consistency of Sarah’s vaginal discharge in order to capitalize on those periods in which her cervical mucus is most conducive to sperm motility. They added that they have been brought to the dizzying pinnacle of sexual euphoria each and every time one of Sarah’s Clearblue urinary tests detects the peak luteinizing hormone levels that prompt their rote erotic escapades.
“Oh, my God, there’s absolutely nothing hotter than hearing the fertility tracker app on my iPhone chime during the day, reminding me to have sex as soon as I get back to the condo after picking up groceries and stopping by the bank,” said Sarah, who added that she can always unleash the inner sexual beast in her husband by frustratedly pointing down at her watch and telling him they have to have sex now so that he has an adequate refractory period before they make themselves engage in the act a second time later that same evening. “Just talking about categorizing my cervical fluid as either creamy or watery, estimating its volume, and then entering that data into an automated matrix to predict my upcoming fertile days makes me want to rush home and ride Jon all night long.”
“Let me tell you, squeezing tired, dispirited bouts of sex into the evenings during the middle of a busy workweek when both of us are annoyed and exhausted—it’s the best sex of my life,” she added. “Mmm, I’m getting flush just thinking about it.”
When reached for comment, Jon admitted that it takes every ounce of restraint for him not to tear his wife’s clothes off, throw her onto their bed, and have his way with her every time he walks into their shared bathroom to find her taking her basal temperature vaginally in order to assess whether it’s high enough to merit that they have sex or if he should refrain from wasting his semen.
“I’ve always enjoyed sex, but our new routine of emotionlessly lumbering through intercourse, aiming for as quick a climax as possible, and then having me roll to the other side of the mattress so that Sarah can prop up her hips with a pillow in hopes that my ejaculate will stay inside her long enough to yield a fertilized ovum has opened up a whole new world of sexual ecstasy to both of us,” said Jon, 38, noting that he never realized how uninhibited sex could be until he set his alarm clock to wake him and his wife up early in the morning so they could engage in drowsy intercourse before going into work, always making sure to forgo lubricant in order to avoid killing any sperm cells. “Just coaxing out one more paltry orgasm, knowing that if I fail to impregnate her this time we’ll have to wait another three weeks before making another attempt, makes me feel like a caged animal in heat. It’s really spiced things up, to say the least.”
“And at this rate, it looks like this is something that we’ll be able to enjoy for years to come,” he added.