ST. CHARLES, IL—Screaming while reminded of the dark, traumatic days spent shooting dye-filled bullets at fellow soldiers abroad, combat veteran Jeremy Gordon confirmed Monday that the paintball course triggered violent flashbacks to an Afghanistan paintball course. “Oh, God, every time I step out onto the paintball course, it’s like I’m back there in the mountains with my brothers; scared, confused, and firing firing round after round of pink paint at the Taliban’s paintball team,” said Gordon, adding that as much as he tried to forget, anytime he picked up the paintball gun and ran for shelter, he couldn’t help think of all the women, children, mothers, and fathers he looked in the eye before shooting them point blank with multicolored capsules. “It’s been years since I’ve been deployed, but I’ll never forget the day our plywood bunker was ambushed by Afghan insurgent paintballers. I left five of my fellow soldiers behind that day, including my commander, face down, completely soaked in yellow. That was the worst birthday party I’ve ever had. Oh, God. Oh, God.” At press time, Jeremy Gordon wept, and muttered he didn’t deserve the medals of honor he had received after what he’d done to all those innocent people on paintball fields abroad.