WOLF CREEK, AL—Reacting with dismay to news that the beloved marsupial faced an extinction threat, a member of the painted rocksnail species of mollusks told reporters Thursday it was really fucked if an animal as cute as a koala had become endangered. “I’ve just got to face reality here and own up to the fact that if humans are willing to let something as cuddly and adorable as a koala go extinct, then I’ve got absolutely no chance in hell of surviving the next few decades,” said the freshwater snail, noting that unlike koalas, who simply relax all day and eat eucalyptus, the painted rocksnail was best known for consuming decayed foliage and leaving trails of foul-smelling mucus. “What’s the first thing you want to do when you see a koala? Pet one, right? Maybe feed it? What about me? Like, vomit and then smash me with a stick? Honestly, I’m not trying to be too down on myself. I’ve made peace with my physical appearance. But koalas are getting wiped out left and right by wildfires and habitat loss—cute, sweet little koalas. All I need to do is take one look at my reflection to know it’s all over. Goddammit.” At press time, the mollusk acknowledged that matters were made worse by the fact that koalas are a national symbol of Australia, while painted rocksnails were best known for being from podunk St. Clair County, Alabama.
