BOSTON—Addressing a precipitous nationwide decline in bicep circumference, pectoral definition, and rigid, beautifully cut abs, panicked officials in every state announced Thursday they would immediately reopen gyms following a catastrophic 85 percent drop in chiseled studs across the country. “Cutting off access to free-weight stations and circuit-training machines as the nation’s gorgeously sculpted male physiques atrophy before our eyes would not only represent a failure of leadership, but would almost certainly lead to a full-blown shortage of grade-A American beefcake,” Massachusetts Gov. Charlie Baker wrote in a statement endorsed by all 50 governors, adding that even with the immediate reopening of fitness centers, it could take years for the now-lumpy U.S. populace to replenish the once-bountiful supplies of eye candy lost over the past three months. “From the muscle beaches of this nation’s shores to the CrossFit classes of Main Street, hard bodies that once wouldn’t quit are now softening at alarming rates. We don’t want to survive this epidemic only to find ourselves completely deprived of really top-notch, primo displays of manflesh. Every day that gyms remain closed, the hunkiest, most jacked specimens among us deflate a bit more. This nightmare ends today.” At press time, Baker was overheard lamenting the fact that he could no longer bounce a quarter off the ass of any of his constituents
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