Panicked Trump Agrees To Zoom Debate

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WASHINGTON—Alarmed that his chances of victory had grown increasingly slim, a visibly panicked Donald Trump decided Thursday evening that he would be fine with debating Democratic opponent Joe Biden on Zoom if that was what it took to win, sources close to the president confirmed. “Fine, I’ll do it—get the computer and we’ll do the virtual thing,” Trump was overheard telling aides, who quickly sent a meeting invitation link to both the Biden campaign and several major news networks. “Come on, get everyone on the screen. If they want us to face off on Zoom instead of on a stage, then so be it. I’ll even wear a mask, see? Really, I’m happy to do it this way. You’ll noticed that Biden is the one who doesn’t seem interested in doing the virtual debate these days. I wonder why that is?” At press time, White House sources confirmed President Trump had backed out of the debate again after concluding Zoom was “a total rip off” with its $14.99 monthly fee for a premium account.