NEW YORK—Murmuring “no, no, no” as he feverishly scribbled equations on a sheet of graph paper, a panicking Neil deGrasse Tyson reportedly began to fade from reality Wednesday after scientifically disproving his own existence. “Dear God, the numbers, they aren’t adding up—and if that’s true, then by my calculations, I cannot and should not currently exist,” said a wide-eyed Tyson, who then held up his hand to his face, screamed, and watched as the pencil he was holding fell to the ground out of his slowly dematerializing fingers. “No, that’s not possible. Perhaps I misused Einstein’s theory of relativity? The universe must somehow support the existence of a devilishly handsome astrophysicist with infinite charm, wit, and six Emmy nominations. Think, Neil, think. No, you’ve been given god-like powers of scientific judgment. You’re never wrong. Curse you, science! Curse you!” At press time, Tyson could be heard repeatedly berating the millions of idiotic television viewers who ever believed he existed, and then his voice became nothing but a faint, high-pitched scream and his body finally vanished from the world forever.