Panicking Professional Poker Player Suddenly Can’t Remember Whether Ace Is Better Than King

Illustration for article titled Panicking Professional Poker Player Suddenly Can’t Remember Whether Ace Is Better Than King

LAS VEGAS—Feeling completely helpless while staring down at his cards, professional poker player Tony Eggold reportedly began to panic Thursday after suddenly realizing he couldn’t remember whether an ace was better than a king. “Okay, okay focus—I have $147,000 in the pot right now, so I’ve got to figure this out fast,” said Eggold, whose eyes darted anxiously between the two cards as he struggled to decipher whether the ace of hearts in his hand was lower than a king because it’s not a monarch or higher than a king because of alphabetical order. “Someone said deuce is wild at one point, does that factor in at all? Shit. This is not good. Come on, Tony, you’ve been doing this for years. Just think, dammit. It’s got to be either higher or lower. Unless they’re equal? Fuck. Maybe I could just ask someone.” At press time, Eggold was even more frustrated after the player beside him admitted he didn’t know the answer either. 

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