CINCINNATI—Claiming to have harnessed the brilliance of a thousand suns within each bottle, hair care brand Pantene announced Monday it had developed a new Color Shine shampoo that bestows such radiance upon one’s silken strands that it shall blind any mortal who gazes upon them. “Our newly reformulated Color Shine shampoo makes hair so smooth and lustrous that all who encounter its penetrating luminosity shall immediately and permanently be rendered sightless!” declared Pantene spokeswoman Anne Peterson, who added that cataract sunglasses must be worn by consumers who wished to avoid searing their corneas as they styled their blindingly shiny hair in the mirror and noted that any temporary loss of vision just meant the shampoo was working as intended. “This color-protecting, nourishing shampoo gently cleanses as you lather, leaving hair looking healthy and vibrant enough to boil the retinas of any onlookers inside their heads, all while keeping frizz and fly-aways at bay. A proprietary blend of aloes locks in hair’s natural moisture, making each strand touchably soft as it glows white-hot with the intensity of a hydrogen bomb blast. A pea-sized amount is all it takes for head-turning highlights that leave behind a sea of innocents clutching their faces and shouting, ‘My eyes, my eyes!’ as they fall to their knees, the sight of your enviable sheen forever scorched into their minds as they are consumed by all-encompassing blackness.” At press time, a sprawling brush fire had erupted and burned 500,000 acres after Pantene attempted to photograph one of the Color Shine models while using the camera’s flash.
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