TORO PAMPA, PARAGUAY—Cursing their luck after scientists confirmed their nation’s worst fears had been realized, officials in Paraguay were reportedly panicking Wednesday after discovering a rich deposit of natural resources. “Goddammit, this is tens of billions of dollars’ worth of rhodium, if not more—we’re sitting right on an absolute disaster for Paraguay if word ever gets out that this is here,” said visibly nervous President Mario Abdo Benîtez, warning the scientists who had stumbled upon the discovery while working on another project that if they cared about the future of the Paraguayan people, they should do whatever they could to cover up the existence of rare mineral reserves in the country. “Hopefully, this incredibly valuable natural resource is confined to just this area and we don’t have any more of it. Oh God, imagine if the United States and other global investors find out. You saw what just happened to Bolivia—if they’d had the good sense not to let anyone find out they had lithium, they wouldn’t be in the mess they’re in now. We’ve got to close down the area completely and never speak of this again, otherwise we’re screwed.” At press time, Paraguayan officials were considering blowing up the entire area containing the rhodium deposits with C4 in an effort to ensure their nation’s survival.
More from The Onion