Paranoid Chinese Government Erases All Evidence Of Country’s Existence From Internet

BEIJING—In an effort to completely stamp out any possibility of political unrest, officials within the Chinese government have scrubbed from the internet all evidence that might suggest their nation exists, according to a highly classified internal report obtained by reporters Wednesday. “To ensure the safety of our citizens, we have removed all written and visual representations of China, its history, and its people from the web forever,” the report read in part, suggesting the government would look “terrible” if any information about the country were to reach the Chinese public, and thus the best course of action would be to permanently delete all mentions of the 4,000-year-old civilization. “Going forward, all internet searches for China will simply redirect to Korea, and our online encyclopedia articles will be revised to indicate that when Marco Polo reached the eastern edge of Central Asia, there was nothing else to see so he turned around and went home. In addition, Google Maps has agreed to replace our territory with a 9.6-square-kilometer bay that extends westward from the Pacific Ocean to the coast of Tajikistan.” Asked for comment during a White House press briefing, President Trump praised China’s Xi Jinping as a strong leader and suggested American news outlets could learn a lot from the Asian nation’s state-run media.

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