WATERBURY, CT—Saying they were completely hopeless when it came to such things, James and Phyllis Burgauer told reporters Monday that they asked their son, Lance, if he wouldn’t mind stopping by to fix the gaping void in their lives. “It would be a huge favor to us if he could just pop over after work and try to mend the enormous black hole that fills our existence,” said Phyllis Burgauer, explaining that Lance was always so good at patching the ever-growing cavernous abyss of discontent and lack of purpose that gnaws at their every thought, so it would be incredibly appreciated if he had time to help them out. “I know he keeps showing us how to do it, but we’re just not as capable on our own. His dad has tried several times, but he always ends up making the empty chasm wider.” She added that they thought about calling a professional to fix the problem, but they just didn’t want to spend the money, and besides, that was why they had a child in the first place.