Parents Explain How Affirmative Action Has Destroyed Their Children’s Future

“I have had a vision of a charcoal black sky, a smoldering ruin, a falcon circling the destroyed earth. In the dust? The traced-out words ‘affirmative action.’”

“My son got kicked out of the college he was going to because he used racial slurs on campus. That never would’ve happened if there weren’t any students of color there.”

“I believe there are now college campuses where white freshmen are stuffed into cannons and then shot at the sun. For shame!”

“My son didn’t get into his chosen college and now he’s still a virgin and he is so horny all the time! I’m worried his penis is going to fall off if he doesn’t get into college next year and bust a nut!”

“How can you possibly believe Harvard’s admission policy is fair when there’s not even a single line that mentions my son by name?”

“Because of this unfair policy, my son is never going to get into college, where he would be indoctrinated with Marxist and postmodernist theory, which I would hate!”

“I believe schools should select their students based on whether or not they are my offspring.”

“If you understand the butterfly effect, then you know any tiny action can have tremendous consequences. Which is why I think my daughter dying from salmonella after eating raw meat is the fault of a Latino student who stepped into an English class one day.”

“The judge who put my son away for double homicide was able to pursue his law career due to the access affirmative action afforded him.”

“My son will be decapitated because of affirmative action.”

“My son is a mango I bought from the store, and I took him, my mango son, to Harvard. And I said to the president of Harvard, I said, “Make my baby mango a lawyer,” but he told me they don’t accept mangos. Reverse racism, plain as day.”

“The only school my daughter could get into was the University of Nebraska, and she looks like shit in scarlet.”

“My son was prophesied to be king of this land. From the Steelefront Mountains to the Plains of K’halar, the seers said he would rule peacefully but with a firm fist for nigh on a century. Yet affirmative action has clouded this vision. Whispers arise of rival claimants. Shall this grand kingdom of ours fall to ruin? Or shall I purge all firstborn children to shore up his claim?”

“This school turns everyone who goes here into an asshole.”

“My kid had to go to his third-choice college because he wasn’t a person of color…met the love of his life there, got a career in his chosen field, got married, bought a house with a nice backyard, and now the tree in that backyard is infected and they have to cut it down. If that’s not a life ruined, I don’t know what is.”

“My daughter was molested by affirmative action.”

“Due to affirmative action, my child will have to rely on one of his many other entitlements to get into college.”

“If my child doesn’t get into Stanford, I am going to kill myself, and it sure is going to be difficult finishing the school year without a mother.”

“My kids live in constant fear that one day they’ll just be walking down the street and suddenly get affirmative-actioned.”

“Affirmative action made it so that I had to bribe colleges with a $50 million athletic facility, and if it didn’t exist, I’d probably only have had to spend $40 million.”

“Affirmative action came over from Mexico, raised our grocery prices, and turned my son gay.”

“My white son was rejected from Harvard and now his entire identity is that he’s a white man who was rejected from Harvard.”

“I don’t know why, but what started with my son getting angry about affirmative action has ended with him eating an all raw meat diet and getting violent diarrhea all over my house.”

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