Despite widespread evidence of the vaccine’s efficacy, four in 10 parents said they would not vaccinate their young children against Covid-19. The Onion asked them why they came to this decision, and this is what they said.
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Hogan James (Butcher)
Hogan James (Butcher)
“If my kids are too weak to survive Covid, they’re too weak to be mine.”
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Isaac Khan (Interior Designer)
Isaac Khan (Interior Designer)
“I’m worried about the long-term side effects of keeping a child alive.”
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Beatrice Fisher (Attorney)
Beatrice Fisher (Attorney)
“I read the literature, listened to experts, weighed the evidence, then asked myself, ‘What would a total fucking lunatic do?’”
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Peggy Charles (Agricultural Technician)
Peggy Charles (Agricultural Technician)
“My husband and I didn’t get it, and one of us is totally fine.”
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Janice Patel (Data Analyst)
Janice Patel (Data Analyst)
“I’m not rewarding my child with antibodies until they clean their room.”
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Abigail Stilwell (Social Worker)
Abigail Stilwell (Social Worker)
“I heard Microsoft won the microchip contract, and we’re solidly an Apple family.”
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Sean Quigley (Plumber)
Sean Quigley (Plumber)
“Even if my son dies from Covid, I’ll find comfort in the knowledge that it was statistically unlikely.”
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Kevin Sanderson (Security Guard)
Kevin Sanderson (Security Guard)
“I’ll be damned if I let any of those fuckers outlive me.”
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Ted Polachuk (Business Analyst)
Ted Polachuk (Business Analyst)
“I strongly believe in individual liberty and my kids have to do whatever I say.”
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Teresa Wiernik (Exhibit Designer)
Teresa Wiernik (Exhibit Designer)
“I got my baby the measles vaccine a few months ago, but now it’s time for her to make her own decisions.”
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Greg Ortiz (Warehouse Manager)
Greg Ortiz (Warehouse Manager)
“Ceaseless and effective misinformation campaigns.”
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Chet Saunders (Real Estate Appraiser)
Chet Saunders (Real Estate Appraiser)
“If I vaccinate my son now, he’ll spend his whole life wanting protection from dangerous diseases.”
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Ken Beasley (Loan Officer)
Ken Beasley (Loan Officer)
“It’s just part of a wider pattern of neglect.”
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Mary Johnson (Florist)
Mary Johnson (Florist)
“I can’t afford college for all these kids.”
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Fred Davis (Advertising Manager)
Fred Davis (Advertising Manager)
“I’m trying to get my mother in law killed and they’re my best shot.”
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Hank Kleeman (Stay At Home Dad)
Hank Kleeman (Stay At Home Dad)
“The kid already has polio and the mumps, what’s it matter now?”
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Helen Limm (Social Media Manager)
Helen Limm (Social Media Manager)
“I would, but I lost them at a Dave and Buster’s four days ago.”
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Marcy Madison (Construction Worker)
Marcy Madison (Construction Worker)
“I’m doing just fine putting chemicals in their body with what I pack them for lunch, thanks.”
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Rachel O’Keefe (Speech-Language Pathologist)
Rachel O’Keefe (Speech-Language Pathologist)
“My kids are less rambunctious when they’re very sick.”
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Herbert Michaels (Drywall Installer)
Herbert Michaels (Drywall Installer)
“Kids never got vaccinated for Covid when I was growing up.”
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Angie Fitch (Life Coach)
Angie Fitch (Life Coach)
“If I’ve done my job as a parent, my children will know better than to get infected by Covid.”
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Hamza Qadri (Dental Hygienist)
Hamza Qadri (Dental Hygienist)
“I’m going to wait until they’re old enough to decide for themselves whether they want to avoid deadly diseases.”
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