Parents Explain Why They Are Not Vaccinating Their Children Against Covid-19

Parents Explain Why They Are Not Vaccinating Their Children Against Covid-19

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Despite widespread evidence of the vaccine’s efficacy, four in 10 parents said they would not vaccinate their young children against Covid-19. The Onion asked them why they came to this decision, and this is what they said.

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Hogan James (Butcher)

Hogan James (Butcher)

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“If my kids are too weak to survive Covid, they’re too weak to be mine.”

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Isaac Khan (Interior Designer)

Isaac Khan (Interior Designer)

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“I’m worried about the long-term side effects of keeping a child alive.”

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Beatrice Fisher (Attorney)

Beatrice Fisher (Attorney)

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“I read the literature, listened to experts, weighed the evidence, then asked myself, ‘What would a total fucking lunatic do?’”

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Peggy Charles (Agricultural Technician)

Peggy Charles (Agricultural Technician)

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“My husband and I didn’t get it, and one of us is totally fine.”

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Janice Patel (Data Analyst)

Janice Patel (Data Analyst)

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“I’m not rewarding my child with antibodies until they clean their room.”

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Abigail Stilwell (Social Worker)

Abigail Stilwell (Social Worker)

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“I heard Microsoft won the microchip contract, and we’re solidly an Apple family.”

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Sean Quigley (Plumber)

Sean Quigley (Plumber)

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“Even if my son dies from Covid, I’ll find comfort in the knowledge that it was statistically unlikely.”

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Kevin Sanderson (Security Guard)

Kevin Sanderson (Security Guard)

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“I’ll be damned if I let any of those fuckers outlive me.”

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Ted Polachuk (Business Analyst)

Ted Polachuk (Business Analyst)

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“I strongly believe in individual liberty and my kids have to do whatever I say.”

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​Teresa Wiernik (​Exhibit Designer)

​Teresa Wiernik (​Exhibit Designer)

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“I got my baby the measles vaccine a few months ago, but now it’s time for her to make her own decisions.”

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Greg Ortiz (Warehouse Manager)

Greg Ortiz (Warehouse Manager)

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“Ceaseless and effective misinformation campaigns.”

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Chet Saunders​ (Real Estate Appraiser)

Chet Saunders​ (Real Estate Appraiser)

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“If I vaccinate my son now, he’ll spend his whole life wanting protection from dangerous diseases.”

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Ken Beasley (Loan Officer)

Ken Beasley (Loan Officer)

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“It’s just part of a wider pattern of neglect.”

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Mary Johnson (Florist)

Mary Johnson (Florist)

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“I can’t afford college for all these kids.”

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Fred Davis (Advertising Manager)

Fred Davis (Advertising Manager)

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“I’m trying to get my mother in law killed and they’re my best shot.”

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Hank Kleeman (Stay At Home Dad)

Hank Kleeman (Stay At Home Dad)

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“The kid already has polio and the mumps, what’s it matter now?”

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Helen Limm (Social Media Manager)

Helen Limm (Social Media Manager)

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“I would, but I lost them at a Dave and Buster’s four days ago.”

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Marcy Madison (Construction Worker)

Marcy Madison (Construction Worker)

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“I’m doing just fine putting chemicals in their body with what I pack them for lunch, thanks.”

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Rachel O’Keefe (Speech-Language Pathologist)

Rachel O’Keefe (Speech-Language Pathologist)

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“My kids are less rambunctious when they’re very sick.”

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Herbert Michaels (Drywall Installer)

Herbert Michaels (Drywall Installer)

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“Kids never got vaccinated for Covid when I was growing up.”

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Angie Fitch (Life Coach)

Angie Fitch (Life Coach)

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“If I’ve done my job as a parent, my children will know better than to get infected by Covid.”

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Hamza Qadri (Dental Hygienist)

Hamza Qadri (Dental Hygienist)

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“I’m going to wait until they’re old enough to decide for themselves whether they want to avoid deadly diseases.”

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