As LGBTQ+ rights continue to be eroded across the country, many transgender students have found themselves forbidden from attending their own high school proms. The Onion asked parents to explain why they support banning trans kids from school dances, and this is what they said.
“Because they’ll have an unfair competitive advantage at prom’s 100-meter backstroke.”
“Hey, I’m still not past the idea of a teenage girl leaving the house unescorted by her father, uncle, or town elder.”
“I’m actually not a parent, but that just makes my insistence that trans kids not be allowed at prom even more objective.”
“I held my tongue when they integrated the prom a few years back, but this is going too far.”
“We wouldn’t need rules like this if we just allowed students to bully kids who are different until they don’t want to attend prom anyway.”
“I still haven’t even decided if limousines are male or female.”
“We can’t have all these cool, popular trans kids unfairly competing for prom queen against my unlikable daughter.”
“It’s a small way to strip their humanity and create a boogeyman to rally against nationwide while we lower corporate taxes.”
“What if they prompose to my kid? What if they prompose to me? It would be mean to say no, right? I don’t want to put myself in that position.”
“It’s nothing against trans kids—I just enjoy making teenagers cry.”
“If we let these kids say they’re a different gender, then what’s next? Letting a high school principal admit he got married too early and hates everything about himself and his life? It’s ridiculous.”
“Trans kids will just be a distraction from what prom’s really about—puking up MD 20/20 after losing your virginity in the school parking lot.”
“It’s in keeping with this year’s prom theme, ‘Night of a Thousand Bigots.’”
“If they feel welcome at prom, they’ll feel like they’re entitled to have fun the rest of their lives.”
“What’s next? Letting Jewish kids attend prom too?”
“Life is hard enough for these kids without also having to attend prom.”
“Prom is strictly about procreation.”