ASTORIA, OREGON—In an effort to help their children form a healthy relationship with alcohol, local parents Jim and Laurie Eustis told reporters Thursday that they felt safer letting their kids drink and drive under their own roof. “If they’re going to recklessly weave their car in and out of traffic going 90 miles per hours, I’d rather they do it in the confines of our own home, where I can at least keep an eye on them,” said mother Laurie Eustis, adding that the kids were going to do it anyway, so they might as well ram their car straight into the wall of their basement rec room. “It’s just easier to control how many people they hit with their vehicle if we’re there to monitor it. This way they can learn how to responsibly mow down a bunch of mailboxes with their friends before throwing up all over the backseat while in a safe space.” Eustis went on to state that her kids had been lucky to be in the safety of their own home last month when they got drunk and drove into the swimming pool.
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