Parents Share Their Biggest Fears About Trick-Or-Treating

“That my kids will start to emulate the behavior of those no-good jack-o’-lanterns.”

“Pretty sure my kids aren’t cute enough to bring home the top-tier stuff.”

“As long as passersby assume the screams coming from my house are part of some Halloween setup, I’ve got nothing to fear.”

“That I’m failing as a parent. Nothing to do with Halloween, just a year-round hunch based on the fact that I abandoned my kids a long time ago, faked my own death, and assumed the identity of a stranger I killed on the road.”

“Children may shun my pecans in favor of a peanut delicacy.”

“If one of my kids was ever stolen off the street, I worry they’d be super annoying to the kidnapper.”

“Well, a lizard person fed Gushers to my son and turned him gay back in 2019, so nothing can faze me at this point.”

“I worry my children will run into some insensitive peers who think it’s cool or edgy to dress up as their father for Halloween.”

“Pretty much that their Halloween candy includes too many Whoppers.”

“What if there’s not enough fentanyl left over for Big Daddy to have a good time?”

“Nothing scares me anymore ever since my first son died.”

“Oh man, the worst thing would be if they wandered off and I never had to hear their stupid fucking voices again begging me for some bullshit. That would be just so bad.”

“There’s a sex offender on our block, but he also gives out the best candy, so I just hope my daughter is able to navigate that effectively.”

“I’m just concerned the microdoses of fentanyl I gave them all year to build up their tolerance still won’t be enough to save them come Halloween night.”

“In terms of holiday accidents, I’ve always wanted my kids to die in an Arbor Day–related crime.”

“I’m afraid I’ll open the door to the kids and I’ll get so nervous that I’ll say ‘Trick or treat’ by accident. That’s the kids’ job! Oh god, I just know I’m going to fuck it up. I’m gonna say it without thinking, and then how do you even come back from that kind of humiliation? Christ, I can’t take it, no, I can’t do it. I’m turning off the lights and barricading myself inside the house again.”

“Whether he’s trick-or-treating or not, I’m scared of my son getting bit by a king cobra. I’m not letting my guard down just because it’s Halloween.”

“I worry my son will be too much of a pussy to handle his fentanyl.”

“Every time that doorbell rings, I’m afraid my kids have finally tracked me down.”

“All my kids died trick-or-treating last year.”