TULSA, OK—Thanked in advance for their patience and consideration, passengers on an American Airlines plane to Omaha were courteously reminded to wait until the fasten seat belt sign was turned off before roundhouse kicking flight attendants, sources confirmed Tuesday. “We kindly request that you refrain from smashing our cabin crew in the face with a devastating spin kick before the plane has reached its cruising altitude of 35,000 feet,” said flight service manager Dennis Wenton, noting that if passengers wanted to sweep kick, headbutt, or sucker punch an attendant, they must wait until the captain had deemed it safe to start moving about the cabin and kicking some ass. “We know a lot of you are eager to perform a double-leg takedown or guillotine choke on our AA team members, but please, bear with us. When you’re not getting up to carry out a swift, incapacitating attack on one of our in-flight associates, we asked that you remain seated with your belt securely fastened.” Wenton added that while most kicks, holds, and punches were allowed, strikes to the kidneys or neck were strictly prohibited by federal guidelines.
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