Pedophile Sucks Too Bad At ‘Fortnite’ To Actually Groom Any Relationships With Children

Illustration for article titled Pedophile Sucks Too Bad At ‘Fortnite’ To Actually Groom Any Relationships With Children

TOPSHAM, ME—Describing how his ineptitude in the battle royale mode was severely hampering his ability to proposition any of the preteens he was playing with, sources confirmed Thursday that local pedophile Darren Costas was sucking too bad at Fortnite to actually groom any relationships with children. “God, there’s no way this dude is going to be able to strike up a conversation with any of these kids if he keeps dying within the first 30 seconds of dropping,” said Lucas Grant, a 15-year-old player who was in a squad with Costas, explaining how the 37-year-old predator’s attempts at using the game to befriend potential victims was completely undermined by the fact that he clearly doesn’t know how to mine for resources or switch between the building and combat modes. “He keeps asking everyone to play another round with him, but no one wants to have him in their squad since he’s constantly needing to get revived. It’s so embarrassing, I mean, he just offered to give someone a green pistol in exchange for their Instagram name, even though everyone with half a brain knows it’s a totally useless weapon.” At press time, a fed-up Costas began downloading Minecraft in the hopes that he would have better luck.

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