This November, state senator and Christian nationalist Doug Mastriano will be on the ballot in the Pennsylvania governor’s race. The Onion asked Pennsylvanians why they are voting for the Republican candidate, and this is what they said.
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“I think his opponent’s Jewish or maybe Muslim.”
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“Simple. I hate Pennsylvania and would like to see it burn.”
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“He tweets the American flag emoji sometimes.”
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“He’s really in touch with and up-to-date on the issues affecting my QAnon Facebook community.”
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“As a retired military officer, he’s just the kind of candidate I support: a cowardly lunatic who loves to obey orders.”
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“He’s the Dougiest candidate on the ballot.”
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“Trump told me to, but even before he told me I knew he would tell me, because I hear Trump’s voice in all things. It comes to me on the wind, in traffic, from the mouths of birds. I go to sleep with Trump’s voice in my ear like a lullaby and awake with his voice like a rooster’s crow. I see Trump’s voice, I feel Trump’s voice, I taste Trump’s voice on every last kernel of corn, in every last sip of coffee, on every last star in the sky.”
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“Bald.”
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“He tells me I’m a victim, and I like that.”
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“I don’t trust a guy named ‘Shapiro’ to be unbiased enough to actually take down the Jews.”
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“He promised to ban pole dancing from public schools, and while that doesn’t exist, I like that he made me imagine it.”
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“I just gotta go with my racist gut on this one.”
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“Because I definitely live here, and I’m allowed to vote in the state of Pennsylvania.”
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“He just uses all the dog whistles I like.”
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“Based on his experience as an Eagle Scout and Army colonel, I trust that the man will bring much-needed envelope hats back to Pennsylvania.”
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“He brokered a good deal for us on office supplies that we use to write threatening letters to minorities.”
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“His policies make a lot of sense to me, and this mop I consider my son.”
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“His head looks like penis! And penis is strong. Penis make baby. Penis win election!”
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“I like that I can post something on a QAnon message board and just a few hours later hear the exact same words coming out of his mouth at a nationally televised campaign rally.”
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“Well, when you look into him, he actually does have some cogent economic policies. Ha-ha! Just kidding.”
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