Illustration for article titled Pentagon Awards Oscar Mayer $102 Million Contract For New Military-Grade Hot Dog With All The Fixings

WASHINGTON—As part of an ongoing mission to upgrade its arsenal of cured, precooked sausage foods, the Pentagon awarded Oscar Mayer a five-year, $102 million contract Monday to develop military-grade hot dogs, complete with all the fixings. “Under the terms of our agreement, Oscar Mayer has agreed to produce a high-octane, all-beef frank capable of withstanding the most intense, mouthwatering toppings, which will include but not be limited to ketchup, mustard, relish, diced onions, and celery salt,” said Pentagon spokesperson Kiera Flynn, adding that the Chicago-based meat and cold-cut producer narrowly edged out Hillshire Farm and Hebrew National for the opportunity to ensure the United States remains at the forefront of the global frankfurter race. “For years, our military has been forced to make do with outdated wiener technologies, wasting millions on hot dogs that can barely hold their own against a spicy sport pepper, let alone a tangy cheese sauce. By 2025, we hope to develop a dog so tasty, so irresistible that it will achieve overwhelming and spectacular dominance in the face of any bratwurst or kielbasa grilled up by an enemy force.” At press time, the Pentagon had quietly upped the contract to $200 million after news broke that Russia had developed a hot dog that was undetectable by radar when covered in sauerkraut.

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