ARLINGTON, VA—Urging the American public not to worry about it, the Pentagon released a report Monday confirming that plenty of U.S. airstrikes hit the correct targets. “After a thorough review, we can say conclusively that a bunch of our drone strikes hit their intended mark,” said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, claiming that even more of them hit the right target on the second and third attempts. “Launching munitions is really more of a numbers game when you think about it, and trust us, there’s a whole lot of examples of our bombs not missing. I would almost go so far as to say a ton of our missiles land where we want them to.” At press time, Secretary Austin was killed in an errant drone strike.
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