ARLINGTON, VA—Stating that America’s top rival on the global stage now had the ability to carry out such an attack, Pentagon officials warned this week that the entirety of China’s landmass could break off and zoom across the ocean to get us. “Advancements in Chinese military technology have reached a point where the whole country could just snap apart along the 14,000-mile border and careen at high speeds through the waters of the North Pacific Ocean, slamming right into the United States,” said Ely Rantner, assistant secretary of defense for Indo-Pacific security affairs, adding that the 3.7 million square miles of land carrying all 1.4 billion people residents of China would whiz in a straight line toward the U.S. mainland, completely bulldozing Hawaii on its path to strike the West Coast. “With that much land zipping over the ocean, China could easily bank off Japan or the Philippines and use the subsequent momentum to propel all of its weight right into us. Our intelligence indicates that the impact of smacking that hard into the United States would cause China to flip through the air and land with a devastating thud directly on top of our nation, flattening all 330 American citizens.” At press time, Congress had passed a bill giving the Defense Department $500 billion to build a national defensive hydraulic system that would lift the United States so high in the air that an enemy landmass attempting to barrel into it would instead glide right underneath.
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