NEW YORK—Revealing that the “criminal masterminds” detonated a series of explosives and then rappelled down from the gallery ceiling, officials confirmed Friday that performance art thieves had broken into the MoMa and stolen a nude Marina Abramović whipping herself with a flaming rose. “After maneuvering past the laser sensor grid and disabling the museum’s central alarm system, these criminals were able to quickly locate and swipe Abramović, who was in the midst of a seven-hour piece where she violently lashed her bare back with a burning red rose,” said MoMa director Glenn D. Lowry, adding that the performance art thieves had cleverly disguised themselves as guards in order to take the famed 72-year-old, as well has her collaborator Ulay, out of the door and into an armored truck. “Based on what we know, these criminals were incredibly coordinated, because they were not only able to steal Abramović, but also replace her with an almost identical impostor, who then proceeded to ask audience members to crucify her on a giant, spiked cross. Sadly, this is the worst performance art heist since Chris Burden was stolen from LACMA after nailing himself to a Volkswagen Beetle.” At press time, Abramović had reportedly been located in a private performance art collection in Sweden, where authorities found her masturbating on a Soviet flag that had been soaked in acid.
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