Animals need more than just TLC to thrive. Here are some tips to help keep your pet healthy and happy for years to come:
- When going on vacation, be sure to leave cans of dog food and a can opener where your dog can easily reach them.
- Is thick pus coming out of your cat's eyes? Are its gums red or swollen? Are its ears clogged with a crumbly brown substance? Cool.
- Take your snake outside regularly. If not, no one will know you're one of those freaky snake guys.
- If your dog or cat starts wearing pointy, '50s-era women's eyeglasses, contact cartoonist Gary Larson immediately.
- Owning a colorful cockatiel or mynah bird is a great way to make you wake up one morning, slap yourself on the forehead, and say, "Holy shit! I'm gay!"
- Fish are dead when they are upside-down and motionless at the top of the mug.
- Many people consider their pets just as important a part of the family as its human members. This is psycho. Don't do this.
- If you have a pot-bellied pig, you're on your own, Mr. Individuality.
- Unless you constantly reassure your dog that he is a good dog, he will likely grow depressed and eventually hang himself.
- Once a week, comb your cat's ass hair–often matted with clumps of feces–with a special cat's-ass-hair brush.
- When choosing a pet, remember: She may be soft and cute, but Penthouse pet Julie Strain is extremely expensive and high-maintenance.
- Pet rabbits often benefit from a glass of white wine and light breading in a rosemary butter sauce.
- Animals should always be stroked horizontally. Never try to go across the surface of the pet.
- By blinding your dog, you may technically be able to get it into stores and restaurants.
- Your rottweiler or pit bull won't turn on you and kill you someday if you train it properly. Honest. Put it out of your mind.
- If your puppies and kittens tend to grow bigger and less cute, consider a constrictive nylon mesh suit to maintain ideal size.
- Most kittens can withstand impacts of up to 35 mph, but there's no way to be sure without extensive testing.
- Getting your kids a boa constrictor or monkey is a great way to teach them that the animal kingdom is not something that exists for their amusement, goddammit.