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Petco Begins Selling Pre-Killed Gerbils

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SAN DIEGO—Saving customers the work of murdering the adorable rodents themselves, Petco announced Thursday that it would begin selling pre-killed gerbils. “We are happy to provide pet owners with added convenience by offering gerbils that come pre-killed,” said Petco CEO Ron Coughlin, explaining that several varieties of dead gerbil would be available, including pre-starved, pre-dog-bitten, and pre-squished. “It’s always such a hassle to take poor care of a gerbil by failing to give it food or water. And for what? It’s just going to die in a couple weeks anyway. And the best part about pre-killed gerbils is that you can still blame their inevitable demise on your children to teach them a valuable lesson about death.” At press time, Petco also offered to prepackage the dead gerbils in a shoe box for easy burial.