SOUTH BEND, IN—Becoming the first 2020 presidential candidate to disclose his fondness for pepperoni pizza, jogging before sunrise, and episodes of The Wire, White House hopeful Pete Buttigieg released Tuesday a comprehensive list of fun personality quirks for reporters to include in articles about him. “I want to be completely transparent with the American people about all of my most relatable idiosyncrasies, including how much I love Thursdays, the music of Fleetwood Mac, waterskiing, and the gentle sound of rain in the springtime,” read the nine-page press release, which was sent out to thousands of media organizations and also states that the South Bend mayor is a helpless romantic, chooses “We Didn’t Start The Fire” when he sings karaoke, and was a voracious reader as a kid. “Before casting a ballot in the Democratic primaries, voters deserve an opportunity to see Instagram posts of my dogs, a video of my husband surprising me on my birthday, and the results of a Buzzfeed quiz I took revealing which Disney villain I would be. I’m providing not only a concrete description of the chicken pot pie recipe I use and what position I sleep in, but also amusing anecdotes from my semester abroad in Spain, photos of the cute face I make when I’m deep in thought, and a ranked list of all the Harry Potter books, from my favorite to my least favorite. Unlike my fellow candidates, I believe the public deserves to know what I called my maternal grandmother (Gran!) when I was growing up.” At press time, sources confirmed rival candidate Beto O’Rourke had followed Buttigieg’s lead by immediately releasing a list of which hardcore bands he thinks are cool and which skateboard tricks he can still do.
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