NEW YORK—Stressing that time is of the essence and that every heartbeat brings the nation closer to excruciating toxic death, pharmaceutical company Pfizer announced the discovery of an antidote Tuesday for the slow-acting poison currently coursing through the bodies of millions of Americans. “We at Pfizer are now proud to declare that our fast-acting antidote, a single dose of which will cost the affected sufferer only $5,000, will completely neutralize the potent neurotoxin that, as we speak, courses through the veins of 300 million Americans,” said spokesperson Curtis Tenney, noting that the specially formulated serum was the first and only known counter to the poison, which will eventually cause most of the nation to suffer from bleeding of the eyes, cerebral hemorrhaging, rapid foaming at the mouth, total musculature spasm, and eventual death. “While we acknowledge that it’s a shame, the way almost every American unwittingly consumed the poison that somehow made its way into public water systems, Pfizer’s new antidote will help put an end to the upcoming national health crisis and prevent massive death tolls. And you even have 48 hours to secure a prescription. Good luck. All major credit cards are accepted.” At press time, Pfizer developed a new over-the-counter drug to help wean people off the highly addictive antidote.

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