Illustration for article titled Pfizer Pours All Resources Into Developing New Hyper-Depressant Pill To Help Americans Ease Transition Into Self-Quarantining

NEW YORK—Committing to do everything in their power to help fight the spread of Covid-19, pharmaceutical company Pfizer announced Monday they were pouring all their resources into developing a new hyper-depressant pill to help Americans ease the transition into self-quarantining. “We are actively mobilizing our top scientists to engineer a treatment that will make the long days of staying confined to your homes, shuffling from couch to bathroom, feel not like a CDC-mandated burden, but the only task you’re physically capable of completing,” said Pfizer spokesperson Elaine Barnett, who explained that while participating in social distancing during the pandemic could cause feelings of frustration, the new hyper-depressant pill would help patients achieve a deep state of melancholy so they could better adjust to sitting around doing absolutely nothing. “Within just hours of taking the pill, patients will lose all motivation to get out of bed, eat, pursue and maintain relationships, or hold an interest in the outside world. Bars and restaurants all across the nation are closing, but with just one serotonin-reducing dose, patients won’t want to leave home anyway. And as a positive side effect, patients won’t care that there’s a global pandemic raging worldwide since we’re all staring down the same dull, endless tunnel.” Barnett revealed that the company was also developing dozens of expensive drugs to help manage the effects of the hyper-depressants. 


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