Fans And Pros React To The PGA–LIV Merger

“This is exactly what I said would happen when they started allowing Black people at Augusta National.”

“I hope the next 9/11 is perpetrated with golf.”

“I hope to be the first female fan executed for cheering too loud on the 18th green.”

“$$$$$$$$$. Also, $$$$$$$$$. And don’t forget $$$$$$$$$$.”

“I’ve pretty much always associated golf with human rights violations, so this has me more excited about my favorite sport than ever.”

“The United States has spent decades enriching Saudi Arabia through war and violence. This is just America recouping our investment, baby!”

“Interesting question. Hey, can I talk to you guys for a second over here in this dimly lit back room? Oh, and don’t mind this bone saw, it’s for a totally different thing.”

“I’m very discouraged about the fact that the Saudis are Muslim, but I’m a huge fan of the way they abuse migrant workers, torture women, and airstrike Yemeni civilians.”

“It’s absolutely disgusting, I’ve never dealt with such a cheap-ass, human-rights abusing autocratic regime. At first they’re, like, ‘We will give you $5 billion to sell out your country,’ and then they just pony up a measly $2 billion.”

“I’m conflicted. As a longtime proponent of human rights, I—no, sorry, I can’t keep this up. I don’t give a shit. Keep women second-class citizens. Funnel money to terrorists. Bomb a Yemeni orphanage. Whatever we have to do in the service of golf, we must do. Golf is sacred. I worship at the altar of golf. Golf, my beautiful favorite, my alpha and omega, my sacred clubs, each putter more sacred than the last! I journey through the hinterlands of the rough to my Mecca of the putting green, wielding my putter like a torch, and if anyone should get in my way, I should hope that my one true lord Golf smites them where they stand! Aieeeeeeeee!”

“Our plan is finally complete.”

“Who gives a shit, it’s just a different bunch of rich assholes in charge of golf.”

“Listen Jack, we are not going to take any guff when it comes to begging for Saudi oil.”

“I worry this will besmirch golf’s reputation as a progressive, everyman’s game.”

“I don’t think people should rush to judgment; remember, the Saudis did an absolutely amazing job on the 9/11 attacks.”

“It’s wonderful that sports and money can bring us all together to ignore grave human rights violations.”

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