PHILADELPHIA—Just days after it was revealed that 8,100 gallons of acrylic polymer solution had leaked into a tributary of the Delaware River, Philadelphia residents reportedly stopped drinking tap water Wednesday upon catching a horrifying glimpse of a hairless, wheezing Gritty. “Jesus Christ, I knew the chemical spill was bad, but seeing Gritty with huge chunks of orange hair falling out, covered in boils, and screaming in pain really made the whole thing hit home,” said 35-year-old resident Jay Walsh, adding that there was no way he would touch the city’s tap water after seeing the Philadelphia Flyers’ mascot crawl on the ground, vomit bile, and repeatedly beg for death during a hockey game. “I know city officials say the tap water is safe, but Gritty kept on holding up an ice skate and trying to slit his own throat. They’ve got him on oxygen and an IV drip now, but I’m definitely sticking to bottled water from here on out.” At press time, Philadelphia residents were seen hurling batteries at Gritty to put the mascot out of his misery.
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