Pizza Placed In Frozen Slumber Until Time World Needs It Most

Illustration for article titled Pizza Placed In Frozen Slumber Until Time World Needs It Most

SANTA MONICA, CA—In an effort to prepare for a coming age in which supplies have grown scarce and hunger runs rampant, a pizza was reportedly placed in frozen slumber Tuesday and will remain there until such time as the world has great need of it. “You are a time-traveler, venturing forth on a mission of utmost importance,” solemn-faced local 24-year-old Victor Paulson said to the cheese and sausage pizza, gently inserting the pie into a specialized preservation chamber, which according to experts is nearly airtight and can consistently maintain a temperature below 32 degrees Fahrenheit. “When you emerge, the world will look very different. It will likely be in its darkest hour: a ruinous era of great deprivation and intense cravings. Your crispy crust is not needed now, but one day you will rise from your slumber and find yourself in precisely the right place at the right time. Until then, we must bid you farewell, noble spirit.” At press time, reports confirmed Paulson’s roommate had arrived home for lunch and popped the frozen pizza in the oven.

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